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Etiquette Queen 
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nicole asked:
I have a couple questions for you concerning the planning of my husband's
retirement party. Keep in mind he has worked as a police officer for the past
30 years. 1. Is it proper to include " no gifts please" on your
retirement invitation? 2. What is the best way to include the comment "
no gifts please" on one's invitation? 3. If one is planning a sit-down
dinner at a pricier dining restaurant with a limited budget (and the bill is
paid by the spouse), where does one draw the line on who to invite? Should it
be mostly family and personal friends or should I include his co-workers also?
4. Instead of a sit-down meal, would it be appropriate to have a buffet of
appetizer foods, but yet not have an open bar? What would be appropriate to
serve as liquid refreshments with something like this?
The Etiquette Queen says:
1. It is alright to put "No Gifts Please". 2. You could add
"in lieu of gifts, feel free to make a donation to (charity) 3. When
planning a party of any sort, budget must always be foremost in your planning.
The rule of thumb is heavy hors d' oeuvres is the least expensive, a buffet or
station party is the next and a sit-down the most expensive. I usually love a
station party because it keeps people mixing and you get the biggest bang for
your buck. Have an hors d' oeuvres station with great appetizers, then one or
two stations with say one a pasta (Italian) theme and another chicken and
veggies and the last coffee and a cake. You can have a champagne toast for the
honoree and a cash bar as long as the guests know about it ahead of time. Tell
them when they RSVP. As far as who to invite, that depends upon the budget.
Don't overspend, have a good time. Usually a retirement party is for
co-workers and others one has worked with. Save the party for family and
friends for later if it's too expensive for everyone to come.
Lisa asked:
What kind of wine for a casual Christmas party in the evening? We will be
fancy serving finger foods and deserts.
The Etiquette Queen says:
I am not a great believer in "wine" rules. To be on the safe
side, have a choice. A nice Merlot, a white and maybe a blush. That covers all
bases.
Leslie asked:
This isn't a question, but a comment - in the "invitations and
mailings" section someone wrote about an open house that they were having
for a new business and wanted to have people come but not bring gifts. Please
make sure they say that they "request your presence" , because in
the version you posted it said "requests your presents". This would
be a terribly embarrassing typo.
The Etiquette Queen says:
thanks - I guess spell check can't catch everything.
Nancy asked:
What are the obligations of godparents?
The Etiquette Queen says:
That depends. Lots of time god parents are named in order to honor 2
friends or relatives and no obligations are expected. Usually the godparents
hold the baby during the ritual of baptism. Sometimes the godparents are the
ones named to take over the raising of the child in case something happens to
the parents.
Wanda asked:
Is it appropriate to have an engagement party if you are getting married
for the second time. Who should give the party. What's the format. Who should
have an engagement party? What to you give to someone who is getting married
for the second time? thank you so much.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Today, you can do anything as long as it's tasteful. An engagement party is
in order and could be given by either family or friends. There is no format,
just the getting together of friends and/or family to celebrate the upcoming
nuptials. As for the gift, I would the bride and groom are registered and you
could check that out.
Amy asked:
What are some basic etiquette rules of a tea party? I am giving a tea party
for little girls and I would like to teach them some of the tea party
etiquette, such as how to hold the cup.
The Etiquette Queen says:
A lot depends upon the age of the girls. Tea, as was done and still is done
in England is usually around 3PM. It is served with small sandwiches, lots of
times with the crusts cut off. It is meant for a quiet, relaxing and tide-over
time till supper. If the girls are young, keep it light.
Karen asked:
How do you use charger plates when you are serving soup as a first course?
Do you have the charger on the table with the dinner plate on top of that then
the soup bowl? Please advise. Thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
The charger plate is just for show. Set the table with the charger first,
then the dinner plate. Remove the charger and serve the soup.
Jeanna asked:
I am having my sweet 16 in January is it alright to have millennium theme?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You can use any theme that pleases you. Have fun.
lisa asked:
I'm throwing a bachlorette party in a few weeks. what kinds of different
games can we play for fun?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Look at party411.com/themes at the bachlorette party site.
Judy asked:
Do you have suggestions for Christian Baptism party that more than one
faith will be attending?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You just do the regular rituals of your faith and those who are a different
religion will watch and maybe learn.
Dete asked:
I'm having a dinner party for eighteen people and have no clue if there's
etiquette about who should be seated where. We're all sitting around one big
table. Help!
The Etiquette Queen says:
There are 2 schools of thought in seating: l)assigned seats with place
cards, and 2) sit where you want. If you go with place cards, you have to
decide whether to have couples sit together or whether to mix up the guests
with others. Your choice.
cecile asked:
What is the proper order of service for parents who are renewing their vows
for their 40th wedding anniversary...and are the children part of the
ceremony?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I don't know what you mean by "order of service". The ceremony
can be anything the couple wants to do, whether it is exactly the same as the
original or whether they decide to do parts from the original and some new
things. And I always believe that children (with their parents) should be a
part of the joyous moments in life.
Girls asked:
How do we plan for a sweet sixteen in June? How many people are supposed to
be in it. etc What colors should we wear? Should we do a dance (reggae) if the
girl is Spanish. How much money should we be planning on spending?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Plan it like any other party and include the candle ceremony. You call up
16 people who have had an influence on your life and light a candle for each
one. You can celebrate more than one person's birthday at the same party.
There are no special colors, whatever you choose. It doesn't matter if the
girl is Spanish, you can dance whatever she likes. As for a budget, that is up
to your parents. Speak to them.
Ramayra asked:
How do you plan for a sweet 16 ? What colors should we wear if my bday is
in June?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Look at party411.com/themes under special occasions. There's a sweet 16
party there. Use other party ideas and make it special for yourself. As far as
colors, there are no rules about that, wear something that looks great on you.
Don't forget the candle ceremony.
Franee asked:
Me and my friend are having a big Halloween party. We told people that
costumes were optional. I don't want to see people show up in costumes and get
embarrassed because about 50% of the people coming won't be in costume. Should
I go in costume so that others wont get embarrassed
The Etiquette Queen says:
Both of you should wear outrageous costumes. Those coming in costume will
feel right at home and those not in costume probably won't feel anything.
Holly asked:
We just bought our first house after a financially hard past 8 years of marriage
(medical problems). We feel our house will be ready for a housewarming
party in about a month, but our baby girl will be one years old at that time.
Is it ok to combine the 2 parties as we would invite the same people. My
husband says is would not be right to obligate everyone's time for 2 party
since we are getting into the holiday season. What should we do?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I think you need to take a breath, slow down and count your blessings.
finally after 8 years, things are good. CELEBRATE THEM. Have a count your
blessings party, celebrating the new home, the birthday and a housewarming.
Your real friends know the what has been going on and will be delighted to
join you. Threes no obligation here. People "gift" as they see fit.
Shel asked:
I work at a little girls tea place and my boss wants to throw me a sweet
sixteen party. We are going to have about 20-25 guests, but they are not all
going to know each other. I have two questions first what do you think is a
good theme and second what are some good mixtures to get people to know each
other? Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
Since you will behaving it at a place for tea, use tea parties as the
theme. Ask each guest to bring something from their favorite tea set or party
when they were small (I assume they are all females). Have all sorts of teapots
as centerpieces, decorations, etc. Look at www.oriental.com for inexpensive tiny tea sets to have a favors. Blow up a pic of yourself and play a game of
Pin the Teacup and then have everyone sign in. Maybe a small scavenger hunt
with teams made up of people who don't know each other.
Herda asked:
What is the correct way to wear a corsage? Please indicate for both men and
women. Thank you
The Etiquette Queen says:
Men wear a flower either in the top left lapel buttonhole or on the top
left lapel with the stem down. Women wear a pin-on corsage on either the upper
right of the dress or at the waist. Today, you can even pin it on a glove you
are wearing.
barbara asked:
It seems to me that I heard somewhere that bread is a traditional
housewarming gift. I see you say a knife and a penny. I was wondering if you
could tell me that background of these offerings. thank you
The Etiquette Queen says:
I have also heard of these traditions. I have not been able to verify the
root of either. If anyone out there knows, please write in and tell us.
Nathalie asked:
HI! I'm presently 15 years old. My sixteenth is coming up very soon. I'm planning to invite only a couple of my best friends and don't
really have a big
budget. I want my birthday party to be amazing, fun and unforgettable. Would
you have any ideas how I should decorate my house, want kind of theme should I
have for my party. thanks for your time Nathalie. P.S.: I live in Canada and my
birthday is in February so I can't do anything outside like have pool party.
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, check party411.com/themes and party411.com/gamegirl for some
ideas you can use. Once you narrow it down to 1 or 2 things, look at the home
site for party stuff or at www.oriental.com. One idea might be if you have a
pottery or crafts place you can take over for the evening and have the party
there. That would be something fun to do, in an indoor setting and probably
not too expensive.
Linda asked:
Need help ASAP! I am having a Crystal Party/Sister Circle tonight. After I
sent out over 25 invitations, I have not received any RSVP's. It's too late to
cancel, I have an over-abundance of food, and it's too late to cancel. Should I
start calling everyone? Any advice would help.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Get on the phone. Why did you wait til the last minute to do this?
Hurry!!!!
Andrea asked:
I am making invitations for my company Christmas party. Is there any rules
in writing out an invitation? Should I make it simple 6:00 cocktail hr. 7:00
dinner or can I be creative? It is a work event not a private party.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Since you work at this company, you probably know the mood and feelings of
the people better than I. Choose the time and type accordingly. What would the
others like the most and what would be the best way to handle it.
Amanda asked:
I have rented a banquet room for the millennium. We are going to have a local
band play there. I live in a small city so word of the party will spread
quickly- in other words, there will be people there I don't know. This is all
fine with me. However, my question is, we want to charge $5.00 for a ticket/
cover charge. Can we put this on the invitations/fliers? If so, how should I
word it? Thank you. Amanda
The Etiquette Queen says:
You have the right idea or else it will cost you a fortune. Be sure that
all the written publicity has the charges on it and have plenty of responsible
at the door to make sure that nothing happens.
F Grice asked:
I have had difficulty finding information on Debutante Balls. I would like
to about the history and purpose of debutante balls. I would like guidance on
planning and organizing a Debutante Ball. Thank you for any assistance you can
provide.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Basically, the history is that a long time ago, when young ladies were old
enough to start seeing gentlemen, they were "introduced" to the
custom at a formal group of parties at which only the finest young people were
invited and everything was properly chaperoned. Today, the part that remains
is the traditional parties and dances. Some cities do this at the age of 16
but most at 18 or senior in high school. It has evolved into not just a
society ball but many groups both ethnic and African-American have their
debutante or "coming out" balls. The best way to find out the local
customs is to contact someone in your local Junior League or maybe the League
of Women Voters or the Women's City Club. Their members have usually
participated in these sort of affairs.
Heather asked:
Hello, I am planning a Collage Graduation party for my husband. I found
that the best way to do this on a budget(for the area I live in) is to rent
the Lounge Area at a local nite club for an hour before the club opens. I am
inviting 25 people and each can bring one guest, so there will be 50 people at
this party. Our guests will have V.I.P. admission to the club, an open bar
from 8pm-9pm, $1 drinks from 9pm-10pm, there will be a Guest of Honor Roast, hors
d' oeuvres, and dancing all night from the time we get there till the club
closes. The cost for renting the lounge for an hour before the club opens is
$250.00 and the club is going to charge me $15.00 per person for the open bar
(for one hour.) This will end up costing me $1000.00 (not including the cost
of hors d' oeuvres, invitations, decor...etc.) My question is: is it inappropriate
to charge our guests $20.00 per couple (invite) to attend this
party?... the only reason I'd even consider such a thing is because $1000.00
is out of ! ! my budget (totally!) and these are close friends. Is it
inappropriate to ask them to help out with the open bar fee? Please let me know
as soon as you can. I will be sending the invitations out this week, and
plan to include a note requesting that the cost be sent with the RSVP. Thanks
in advance, *heather*
The Etiquette Queen says:
I think that's an outrageous way to spend money. why not have the party at
your home, a friend's home or the party room of a condo. Supply the setups
and hors d' oeuvres and ask the guest to BYOB. Serve great food and maybe get
a DJ if you can afford it. Get a pic of your husband blown up and play a game
of Pin-the-Diploma and then have everyone sign in.
Pauline asked:
My brothers and I are planning a 40th anniversary party for my parents. Is
it proper to do a house party or rent a hall? Are 40th anniversary commonly celebrated? What type of gift for a 40th wedding
anniversary? Thanks Pauline
The Etiquette Queen says:
You can have a party anywhere. It depends upon how many people a home can
accommodate, that's always the less expensive and more cozy place for a party.
Any anniversary can be celebrated and I say that any couple that stays married
that long these days deserves something. The traditional 40th Anniversary gift
is a ruby but I don't think you want to do that. Maybe, instead of a big bash,
you could send them on a trip.
Nathaniel asked:
Etiquette Queen thanks for answering my question last time! *My next
question is on the night of prom what should we do before and after the prom? I'm
only a junior in high school so should me and my best friends get a limo
the first time or wait until our senior year? (Thanks a lot for your advice!:)
)
The Etiquette Queen says:
the first thing to do is look at your budget. What will it allow? You might
not be able to afford lots of stuff. Most people go to dinner first. See what
that costs. To save money, why not have an after prom party at someone's home
and everyone pitch in with food and beverages. Save the big bucks for next
year.
vicki asked:
Our son is escorting a girl to her debutante ball. We are also invited.
Please advise is as to what etiquette rules apply to us. Should we give a
gift, who pays, what type of dress is appropriate?
The Etiquette Queen says:
There are different rules and customs in each city. Check around with
others in your position and see what they are doing as to a gift. Of course,
if you are giving one, you pay. Sometimes these deb parties are very dressy
and long dresses are the right for the guests. Check with others.
a.hebert asked:
what are the sweet 16 social obligations and duties. what are the types of
party favors to give out.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Whose obligations and duties are you asking about. Usually there is a
candle ceremony where the birthday person calls upon 16 people to light a
candle and says how they have made a difference in their life. The favors can
be anything and everything. Depends upon your budget, theme, etc. For some
cute suggestions, look at www.oriental.com.
Theresa asked:
The party will be a semi-formal affair. I have not considered a theme...
any suggestions? I would like for the bride-to-be's brother (her father is
deceased) to make a toast to the couple (any wording suggestions?) and then
open the floor for any other toasts or comments. Is this inappropriate? I
would welcome any other suggestions.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Look at party411.com/themes for ideas.
audrey asked:
What do you do at an engagement dinner party that is being held at a
restaurant where families are meeting for the first time? Games, toasts??
The Etiquette Queen says:
Toasts are good. Decide ahead of time and ask the bride and groom who they
would like to speak. It's hard to have a game when the people don't know each
other and you are out in public. I think just let them feel their way along.
Nancy asked:
For a Christening:1) How do you put on an invitation for everyone to bring
a dish? and 2) Tell people a gift is not required (ex:come celebrate the birth
of our child) Thank you for your insight.
The Etiquette Queen says:
You say exactly what you mean. Call it a pitch-in party and coordinate the
food. As far as gift giving, there will be those who will bring one no matter
what you say.
Jodi asked:
I am in charge of planning a bachelorette party in Amarillo, TX. The
bride-to-be is a very religious person, so the party must be on the calm side.
Another problem, I don't live in Amarillo, and have never been there. I probably
won't go there until the day of the party. Where do I begin? PLEASE
HELP!!!
The Etiquette Queen says:
I don't get it. Why are you who have never been to Amarillo and won't be
there until the party doing the planning? Surely there is someone there more familiar
with everything who can do it. Speak to the bride about this.
Theresa asked:
The continuation of the Engagement Party dilemma.. The party will be at my
home scheduled for a Saturday from 6pm until.... there will be heavy hors d'oeuvres, mixed drinks, no theme has been decided...There will approximately
100 people invited. Where do I go now?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Dressy or casual? Have you planned any toasts, games, decorations? Get a
picture of the couple blown up to poster size and have everyone sign in. Maybe
ask everyone to send you a great memory of one of them and put it in an album
for all to see and for them to keep. Do you want a theme? If so, look at
party411.com/themes for some ideas.
Dee Dee asked:
HELP! Do you have any suggestions for a Sweet Sixteen Millennium Party? I
have no clue what to do for a sweet sixteen.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Look at party411.com/themes for millennium party ideas and birthday party
ideas. After you gather you thoughts a little, if you still need help write
back.
LG asked:
My daughter and I have been invited to a Bat Mitzvah for an acquaintance.
1. What is the appropriate attire for the services and parties? 3. Is an
invitee expected to attend all of the Bat Mitzvah functions? 2. What would an
appropriate gift be? Your assistance is greatly appreciated
The Etiquette Queen says:
For services of a Bat Mitzvah wear daytime nice, street-length dress or
suit. If the party is following services on Saturday, no need to change
clothes. If the party is later, check the invitation or ask your hostess. Only
attend the functions to which you are invited. Most people give a check. The
amount is up to you, check with some others to see what they are doing.
Theresa asked:
I am planning an engagement party for my son and his fiancé but I have no
idea how to go about decorating, serving or whom I should invite. I want
everything to be perfect for the two of them. Help!!!!
The Etiquette Queen says:
First decide how much you want to spend, budget is very important. then
decide the type of party: day or nite, open house or invite, full sit-down meal
or buffet or cocktails and hors d' oeuvres. Style of dress. Place. Menu.
Theme? Once you have decided some of these things, write back and I'll help
you go on. the number of people you invite is proportional to the type of
party (space available, type of service, cost). Of course, invite relatives
from both sides and your son and his fiancé's close friends. Good friends of
yours and your son's future in-laws.
R. Anderson asked:
Place card for a married woman attending alone, is it correct to say: Mrs.
Frank Johnson or Mrs. Kay Johnson or neither, please advise
The Etiquette Queen says:
Formally, it is Mrs. Frank Johnson unless she is divorced, a widow, or has
a personal aversion to using her husband's name.
Kat asked:
Have you any suggestions on how I can still say "thank you" for a
present given by someone who was a wet blanket at my birthday get-together
last year? It was obvious that this person didn't want to see me or hear from
me, so I didn't thank him. How tacky of me... Thank you
The Etiquette Queen says:
I don't understand. If this person doesn't want to see or hear from you,
why do you want to communicate with him or her? But if you need to feel
better, send one of those belated funny cards.
Kim asked:
I am having a Halloween party and I have invited a mixture of people that
don't know each other and who are of varying ages. How do I get people to
interact with each other???
The Etiquette Queen says:
Play team games where you can mix them up. Pass the orange is a good one,
so is a mini scavenger hunt. Or give everyone a piece of paper and pencil and
put a basic question at the top such as place of birth, who they know you,
etc. By the time they get all the answers from everyone, they will know a bit
more.
LSC asked:
are bachelorette parties a traditional part of weddings? if not when did
this celebration start?
The Etiquette Queen says:
they are a fairly new (maybe 25 years) thing. They started because the
women wanted something as rowdy as the bachelor party, not just a shower.
jean asked:
I need to know the proper formal table setting etiquette plates, cups, wine
goblets, salad, dessert, silverware, etc.
The Etiquette Queen says:
The easiest way to explain is to go to a site like Lenox or another china
brand and see a picture. The usual order is starting from the center a charger
plate with a salad size over it. This is later removed. The silverware is
placed in the order that it is used with the forks on the left and the knives
and spoons on the right. The dessert silverware is placed at the top or 12
o'clock position. The glasses are also places in the order of usage. I always
like the cups and saucers reserved for service when needed to keep some room
at the table.
Joy asked:
I am throwing a surprise party for my husband on Friday to celebrate his
accomplishment at work. We are having some speakers talk about his career and
the achievement. I would like to get corsages/boutonnières for some of
them, including: 5 speakers his parents him 3
hostesses 1 partner in his firm who is not speaking (but may feel left
out if she's the only one not getting a flower). The total number comes
in at 10. Is this too much, or is it generally seen as a nice thing to
do? Also, will the wives of the speakers feel left out that they did not
also get a flower? This is feeling so complicated that I'm thinking of
forgetting the entire idea. Thanks for your help! Joy
The Etiquette Queen says:
Instead of getting flowers, why not use stars to indicate the different
people. They could be different colors to mean different things. You can
easily find these at a craft or toy stores and make life easier on yourself.
Gloria asked:
My friend Kathy is turning 60. She has an answer for everything. What can I
sat about her turning 60 that will leave her speechless?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Go out to the garden and find a large flat stone and paint the following in
it: "At least you're not as old as this rock".
Karin asked:
My husband needs to give a toast at an upcoming wedding. He is the best man
for an elder (by 10 years) brother - there are a total of 4 brothers. Theirs is not the typical Groom/Best Man best-friend relationship, and we both
thought that you, the Etiquette Queen, could help. The wedding is a daytime
semi-formal garden wedding in my mother-in-law's backyard. Thanks!
The Etiquette Queen says:
No knowing their specific relationship, I can't be very deliberate. But
since they are brothers, there should be a special bond they share, especially
since there was probably a mentor relationship. Work with that.
debbie asked:
My sisters and I are giving our parents a 40th anniversary surprise party.
i asked one of my aunts to help me compose a poem for the invitation. She got
back to me within 48 hours with a 4 line poem. I didn't like the way it
sounded. I called her and asked her if I could change part of it, she said to
do whatever I wanted to it. i changed one sentence, and rearranged the rest.
The poem reads as follows: forty years have come and gone, still their love
goes on and on, so come and join marv and faye,as we celebrate their special
day. My aunt called to rasp yesterday and proceeded to tell me not to let
anyone know that she had anything to do with the poem, that it was not grammatically
correct, had no cadence, and looked totally unthought out, we
also included that it is a surprise party, the time date place and directions.
i feel that she was very rude and want your opinion on how to proceed. this is
a close family and she can be difficult to deal with. thank you debbie
The Etiquette Queen says:
The best way to deal with it is to forget about it. With all the rest of
the party and the surprise to deal with, it isn't important. She is probably
hurt that you changed it and lashed out. But if you let it drop, she will
probably also.
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