The Etiquette Queen

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Francie Ayala asked:

We were just wondering what RSVP stands for. We would appreciate a respond. Thank You

The Etiquette Queen says:

It is French. responded sil vous plait. In English it means "Please respond or respond if you please"

Suzy Cue asked:

My husband is turning 40 in 3 months. I would like to plan a surprise party. Where do I begin? Help what do I do? I would like to plan a theme.

The Etiquette Queen says:

If you are at a loss, get a friend to help, two heads are better than one. Pick a time, date, place and theme. (See party411.com/themes - there are some great ideas there). Decide how you will get the birthday boy to the event and keep the secret. One of the best ways is to tell him you are either going to someone's home for dinner or out to dinner with that couple. Or you can tell him that there's a surprise party for someone else.

Cathy Seiler asked:

When ever someone retires from the Company I work for, there is a Retirement party given by the company. Invitations are sent out, but there is a cost of $40.00 per person. I do not think that is proper. It's not even a sit down dinner. On top of that the invitation request a donation to the retiree. Your advice is appreciated.

The Etiquette Queen says:

I agree with you that this isn't the proper way to do things. Seems like a lot of money for the meal and then more for a gift. But since you probably can't change the tradition, you have 3 choices. You can politely refuse the invitation and the donation, you can politely refuse the invitation but make a donation or you can accept both.

Vicki asked:

Are there any traditions associated with a graduation party for someone receiving a PhD?

The Etiquette Queen says:

None other than one big round of applause for all the hard work and the payoff. Seriously, there isn't any special thing in particular for this occasion so feel free to create your own.

Sarah asked:

My soon-to-be sister-in-law does not know whether to have alcohol at the wedding reception. Could you supply pros and cons? The wedding should be 100-150 and many do not drink at all. The bride and groom can't really afford a bartender. Thank you for your time! Sarah

The Etiquette Queen says:

Liquor is never a "have-to" on any occasion. They even have non-alcoholic champagne. So there is no rule. It's cheaper not to serve it and it keeps the guests from getting drunk and possibly driving. It is really not necessary to have a good time. On the other hand, it would be nice to offer champagne and non-alcoholic champagne for a toast. The serving staff could do this (no bartender needed). You could put a bottle of wine or two on each table and the guests can help themselves if they so desire. Instruct the wait staff not to open a bottle unless the open one is empty. That way there is no waste. And no one will feel self-conscious about either drinking or not drinking.

Amy asked:

We are getting ready to celebrate our churches 75th anniversary. As the ones in charge of the decorations for the event we are wondering....is the 75th anniversary considered a "golden" anniversary or something else. We need to know what colors to use. Thanks!

The Etiquette Queen says:

Golden is for 50th anniversaries. There is no special color or gem for 75. I think you can pick what you would like to work with. Why not go with the time of year and work with some great flowers.

Margaret asked:

What is the proper way to set a dinner table

The Etiquette Queen says:

Dinner plate in the center either alone or on a charger. To the left are the various forks. Line them up in order of their use to the main course. On the right, spoons on the outside and knives on the inside. At the top of the plate is the dessert utensils. Top right is glassware with different wine glass for each different wine. If you look at the library, there will be a pic of this. The napkin can be done many ways, check them all.

Cassandra asked:

Hello. I am Starting to plan my Sweet Sixteen Birthday party. I would like to know if you know of any traditions. I would like to have ladies in waiting with their escorts. I don't exactly know how that works though. If you know, or have any other ideas for a traditional sweet sixteen, PLEASE respond to me. Thank you for taking the time to read this.  Cassandra

The Etiquette Queen says:

You are mixing up a sweet 16 and a deb party. The one tradition of a sweet sixteen is to call up 16 people and tell how they have made an impact on your life and light a candle for each one. Go to party411.com/themes for ideas for the party.

Pam K. asked:

I am planning a 25th wedding anniversary party. My husband says if we give it ourselves it is not proper to ask guest to pay for their meals but if someone gives it for us then its o.k. We would like to invite approx. 75 people which would be costly for us. I do have a party coordinator through which everyone will correspond so it won't appear that we are giving the party ourselves. Please tell me if it is in bad taste to invite people to a dinner and ask them to pay for it.

The Etiquette Queen says:

Well, this is a puzzle. First of all, why are you giving it yourselves? Do you want to celebrate with your friends and family? I would assume so. So don't make it such an expensive deal. What's with the party coordinator? Isn't that expensive? If you are using a restaurant or some such thing, say so in the invite and ask to guests to pay so much per person and you provide the beverages. Or the reverse. If you're doing this at home, just serve what you can afford.

Sissy asked:

Bar Mitzvah - attire? - evening service, call to the Torah - black dress appropriate? Next morning in temple - regular church attire? Also - an appropriate gift for the young man on this occasion? I am his aunt. He has everything - thinking of ordering a commemorative coin set from bank??

The Etiquette Queen says:

For the evening service, just a nice suit or dress and same for next morning. Don't give him coins, he'll hate it. Give him an Israeli bond or a check.

Tracey Roush asked:

My best friend is getting married in 3 weeks and I'm planning her bachelorette party. We are all Christians, so I want to keep it clean but fun. Do you have any suggestions?

The Etiquette Queen says:

Look at party411.com/themes. See the bachelorette party suggestion and modify anything you need to.

Cristen asked:

I am giving my husband a surprise 40th birthday party at which there will be about 60 guests. Would it be in poor taste to ask guests to bring their own alcoholic beverages and how should this request be worded on the invitations?

The Etiquette Queen says:

Just add BYOB to the invitation (stands for bring your own booze.) This is not wrong - do it.

Jim asked:

I am looking for suggestions of what to do and not to do for my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary. We have about one year to plan. Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

The Etiquette Queen says:

Well, do you want to do a party, gift, or both. Maybe you would like to do a trip for them or a trip for all of the family. Maybe you want a party. It is their Golden Anniversary so use that as a color scheme. Check party411.com/themes for anniversary ideas. Narrow down what you would like to do and if you need further help, write again.

jwotton asked:

I am planning a surprise 60th birthday party for my parents. What could I place on the tables as centerpieces?

The Etiquette Queen says:

Well, use the number 60 as the focal point. In craft stores you can get Styrofoam numbers and bases. Decorate these with either color or glitter or both and stand them up on a base. Tie balloons in appropriate colors to them. To decorate the base, check with a candy place and use chocolates either foil wrapped or plain. You can get these in the numbers 6 and 0 also.

Janice Jordan asked:

I have been invited to a party but I have a crush on the boyfriend of another girl that will be at the party. I'm not sure I can resist him and I know he likes me flirting with him? What should I do? I really want this guy!

The Etiquette Queen says:

If this guy is the boyfriend of someone else and is flirting with you, what does that say about him. Can you trust this dude, I think not!!! Have fun with the flirtation if you would like to but don't take it seriously. Sounds like this guy just wants to put another notch in his scorecard.

TINA MARIE asked:

When I attend parties at other peoples houses sometimes my boyfriend and I end up in one of the bedrooms. Is there an appropriate place to become affectionate? What if the hosts are also becoming affectionate with their boyfriends?

The Etiquette Queen says:

How old are you? If you are under 18, no place is appropriate. Certainly not a bedroom in someone's home. If you wouldn't do something out in public, don't do it in private. If you are over 18, you should be old enough to know what is appropriate. My guess is you are too young. Wait a while, don't follow the crowd, it will be more fun later.

Joanne asked:

I am the oldest of 4 and I have been trying to get some suggestions from my 2 sisters and 1 brother for my parents 50th Ann in May 2000. when we tried to do a 40th none of us could agree and so nothing was done now it seems the same could be true for the 50th, I have suggested a trip, theme party (50's), renewing the vows, or taking them on a "family" honeymoon.... something small, informal, inexpensive but creative and special, the others have no imagination and said "party," and pig roast but they want music and beer kegs, I am thinking they are planning the party for them and not really considering the age of the guests. what are some guide lines that I might be able to pass along to them when considering party planning for a 50th ann.? Is there any "must do" or "must not do" hard fast rules for a 50th? I would like to see it a dignified affair with out looking like a beer bash. I might be out voted by my siblings unless I get some back up from somewhere! Help! !

The Etiquette Queen says:

The most important thing is making your parents happy. Stress to your siblings that this is one time that they should not be the ones pleased but their parents should be the ones pleased. What would they like? Some families take a cruise together. Others send their parents on a vacation. The 50th anniversary is the "Golden" anniversary so that makes it more formal than most. A pig roast and keg party is really not appropriate. I hope you can make them see that. Try to get some of your parents friends involved also if having a party. If you decide to have the party, write again and I'll give you some great ideas or check party411.com/themes.

sarah asked:

i really need some good ideas for a mature 16th birthday party. My choices for location are as follows; Fao Swartz, The World Financial Center, Nike Town, Virgin Mega Stores, Studio 450, Madison Square Garden, or another club in the city where my friends and I go for parties. I really like so of the places i have chosen but there are two problems. 1. The stores might not have room for dancing, and 2. my friends might take the merchandise. What I really need is an idea for a good theme. I don't really want to do a Mexican, Hawaiian, or beach theme. These are good ideas but i am looking for something a little more sophisticated for a bunch of New York City kids. I am very into photography, dance and music so I want to incorporate these things into the theme, but for the time being i have been unable to think of anything. Your ideas would be GREATLY appreciated!! Sincerely, Sarah ps. The party is going to be held mid April if that helps at all.

The Etiquette Queen says:

First of all, I would be wary of any friends you think might "take" things from a store. Second of all, it sounds like money is no object for you. Why not give instead of get for your birthday. You and your friends could have a party at a children's ward at a hospital.

Sue asked:

My family is celebrating my son's bar mitzvah in Israel. I will be sending announcements when we return. I am having trouble figuring out the wording for the announcement. Do I use past tense '.... was bar mitzvahed on ...' or something like ... takes pride in announcing the bar mitzvah of ... on ... at ...'? Thanks much, Shalom, Sue I.

The Etiquette Queen says:

If you are sending it before the actual date, say "will be bar mitzvah". If you are sending after the date, say "was bar mitzvah. It is not a verb.

Diana asked:

Hi. Thanks for answering my last question, but I have another one. I'm seriously considering doing a Millennium theme for my party, but I wouldn't know how to decorate. What kind of decorations and party favors should I use??

The Etiquette Queen says:

If you go to party411.com/themes, there is a millennium party breakdown. Use all or part of it. Have fun!

MARTHA asked:

WHAT IS THE RIGHT COLOR FLOWERS TO USE FOR A 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PARTY. WHAT VARIETY IS BEST....

The Etiquette Queen says:

Well, gold is the color of a 50th Anniversary. I would contact my local florist to see if there is a specific flower. You could always have chocolate roses wrapped in gold foil.

Diana asked:

Hi. I'm throwing a late birthday party and I need some ideas. I'm inviting some popular kids from school and I really want to make a good impression by throwing a good party. I like the idea of throwing a theme party, but I have no clue as to what it should be!  In need of your help, Diana

The Etiquette Queen says:

Well, you didn't give me enough info to be specific. Look at party411.com/themes and party411.com/gamegirl. Choose something age appropriate and have a ball. Popular kids like the same things as everyone.

Aim asked:

I have a few questions. 1. I am holding a party 6 months from now (during the holidays). I wanted to mail invitations out early give our guests sufficient time to plan, considering it will be held closer to New Years Eve. I am worried that by sending invitations out his early, my guests may RSVP and possibly forget the date or even not show-up. (These are business associates, acquaintances and close friends) Is there a way to word the invitation in order to ensure that my guests will not forget?  2. We want to provide beer, wine and non-alcoholic drinks and non-alcoholic mixers but would like to request that our guests bring their favorite hard liquor or main dish/dessert to help defray costs. What is the best way to word this?  3. What legal liabilities are involved with hosting a party that serves alcohol? Do we have the responsibility to ask for our guests keys when they first arrive?  Thanks ahead of time for your help!

The Etiquette Queen says:

1. Start by sending a "Hold That Date" card early instead of the invitation. this is a teaser. Then send the invitation. This is a special year so there will probably be lots of parties. I'd say just before Halloween is the soonest to mail it. Put an "RSVP by" on it. Make that early enough so that you have a reason to call and follow up. 2. Put "Pitch in" on the invite. Decide whether you want them to bring liquor or food. When the guest RSVPs, you can assign the particular food category or liquor. 3. Friends don't let friends drive drunk. You have no right to ask for anyone's keys before they drink, but you have the obligation not to let anyone drive if drunk. When in doubt, call a cab or offer a ride.

Tricia Decker asked:

I am Having a sweet sixteen party in september and i am looking for ideas but I cant seem to find anything!! I need to keep it inexpensive but I want everything to look great!! It will b a semi formal party , I have rented a hall but i need some ideas on such things as favors, invitations, and anything else you can give!! It will be much appreciated! Thank you!~

The Etiquette Queen says:

Have you picked a theme? It's always easier to have one, then the rest just falls into place. If you are stuck, check out party411.themes on the home site. Also party411.gamegirl.

becky asked:

planning 67th birthday party for mother-in-law. sister-in-law wants to invite 100 -150 people. sister-in-law wants invited guests to provide food and wine. i don't think this is appropriate for this many guests. she says its a drop by party from 6-9. i say we provide the food (finger foods, veggies, meat trays etc.) what's your suggestion? help! help! help!

The Etiquette Queen says:

It's your sister-in-law and you must compromise. Why not provide the food yourselves and ask the guests to bring the beverages. That way no one will bear the entire expense and you both have a say in the party. You can't ask the guests to bring everything and beverages are expensive.

Amanda asked:

I've already written, but I thought of something else! My friend and I are having a party to celebrate our twenty-fifth birthdays and we are sending out printed invitations. We definitely want our invited friends to bring a guest or two if they would like, but we do not want them to bring a ton of people either! Here is the dilemma: I think we can solve that problem by putting "and guest" on the invitation. My friend disagrees. He thinks that it will make people feel like they cannot go the our party unless they have a date. What do you think is proper? Thanks!

The Etiquette Queen says:

I don't agree but if you leave it off, just tell the person when they call to RSVP that they may bring a guest. No one should ever bring more than one guest unless first clearing it with their host/hostess.

E. Anderson asked:

I want to plan an engagement party for a couple getting married in December, 1999. They have been engaged less than a month. I need elegant plans but reasonable prices.

The Etiquette Queen says:

Look at party411.com/themes for some good ideas. Take parts of one or mix with others. Once you decide what you would like to do, check the dollar stores and places such as Amazing Savings.

Ambre asked:

I'm going to be throwing my parents a party for their 25th wedding anniversary. I was wondering what types of colors i should use to decorate with, and whether i should make it a surprise party or not. And if you have any other helpful tips that would be just great. Thanks

The Etiquette Queen says:

The only way to ensure that your parents are free for a surprise party for a particular evening and dressed appropriately is to either you invite them somewhere, or have a friend of theirs invite them. That is usually hard to do but it is doable. As to the colors and such, look at party411.com/themes for some ideas in themes and decorating. I would have the guests send you some favorite memories or funny stories about your parents and put them in an album. Have some disposable cameras available at the party and take a pic of the guests and match these with the stories. Also, have a pic of your parents blown up as a poster and let all sign in on it.

Jill asked:

My husband told a co-worker, he could come over anytime and bring his two children and wife to use our swimming pool. Yesterday, the co-worker ask my husband could he bring his family over to swim, my husband said sure. My question regarding manners is, Are me and my husband suppose to stay outside and talk to them the entire time they are swimming in the pool? My husband was upset with me for not staying outside and talking and entertaining them the entire time they were there. They came at 7:00pm and did not leave until 10:15pm. I'm 8 months pregnant and did not feel like I needed to stay out there with them. Also, I had to get up and come to work this morning and the mother of the children does not work. When they first arrived at 7:00pm, I did go outside and welcome them and talked to them for about 15 minutes The mother said for us not to feel like we had to entertain them, but to do what we would normally do. I told her I wasn't feeling well, I was tired from working all day, and that I was going lay down. My husband said I was very rude for not staying out there the entire time. Help, Let me know what I should do next time they ask if they can come over and swim, Should I stay out there the entire time? Thanks.

The Etiquette Queen says:

First of all, even if you weren't pregnant your husband should consult with you before inviting people over. Secondly, in your condition, you need not feel that you need to entertain or be a hostess. He invited them, let him do the job. when the baby comes, you'll find it even less appetizing. Talk this over with him and set some guidelines (sounds better than rules)

Cherie asked:

My husband and I recently installed a swimming pool in our yard. The firsts in our neighborhood. Each day when I come home from work, the children are in their suits with towel in hand. Asking to swim. As a pool owner I have to have rules. We've decided each of my kids may have one friend over. I have two children. Each had a friend from a different family over. One of the siblings of the child in the pool asked to swim. I said no, because my kids are only allowed one friend. I told her you are more than welcome if your mother or dad comes over and watches you. The mother was so furious because I let one and not the other. Came to the fence and started swearing, flipping her middle finger at me. I repeated I have rules one friend per child. She is more than welcome if you come and watch her. She swore at me again. Then her husband came to the fence swearing - telling me to make a list of all my rules, so they know exactly what all my rules are. But unfortunately, it wasn't said it that nice of terms! I don't appreciate swearing in front of my children. I am liable if anyone get hurt. I don't want to be the neighborhood babysitter just because I have a pool. I don't like these neighbors. They drink almost every night and I've had it! I don't want anything to do with the parents. Whatever happened to invitation only???? I don't want to take this out on the kids. Do you know of any good pool etiquette for neighborhood kids? Please help before my neighbor's drive me crazy this summer!! Thanks.

The Etiquette Queen says:

I congratulate you on being a responsible pool owner. If only others were so attentive. I think your rules are great. Unless you are having a party for kids or have more adults, your one friend rule is perfect. It's hard enough to watch your own children, let alone others. Your neighbors are rude, crude and you can't change their behavior or get them to move. Try not to pay attention to them. Explain the rule one more time and then let it go at that. If they don't get it, just don't have any of their kids over and tell them(the parents) why. Good luck and have a good summer.

Evelina asked:

How to show a man that I want him to kiss my hand while greeting me? In what places hand kiss may be used? What to do when I wear glove? Maybe I have to take it of and then give my hand to kiss? Is hand kissing a good for of greeting?

The Etiquette Queen says:

I don't know where you live but in any place I've been, no hand kissing. That happens in the movies and old movies at that. Hand shaking is what to do and you do that by merely extending your hand to someone and shaking theirs.

Brenda Hydleburg asked:

My 8 year old daughter wants a Generation Barbie party theme. I can't seem to find the paper goods for this theme, can you please help me out!! Also can you give me some ideas of what to do at an 8th year old birthday party to keep the children busy. The birthday setting will be in the backyard "a barbeque" type of party.

The Etiquette Queen says:

Check out www.oriental.com for Barbie stuff. Also, Toys R Us carries a line. See if Mattel has something on their site. As for activities, check partygirl.com/gamegirl for lots of things to do. Remember, 8 yr. olds don't have a long attention span and basically like to run around so plan active stuff.

Jennifer asked:

Dear Queen, Recently, my husband & I were invited to attend 2 concerts with his employer and his wife. We attended both concerts and had a great time at both. I feel the need to send a thank you note but don't know exactly how to word it. I want it to say more than, Thanks for the invitation, we had fun..." Since it's being sent to my husband's employer, it needs to sound intelligent & appreciative...("kissing-up" at little wouldn't hurt either)!  Thanks in advance for your advice!  Sincerely,  Jennifer

The Etiquette Queen says:

You could buy a bottle of good wine, perhaps a Merlot, and send it with a note stating that elegant evenings with elegant people deserve an elegant thank you. You might want to include a good cheese and some crackers.

d. gardner asked:

What to bring to a corporate Open House? How to bow-out gracefully?

The Etiquette Queen says:

Why would you bring something unless asked to do so? And as for bowing out, are you talking about hosting, attending, or what. Need more details. If you're an invitee and you work for a company and are not the boss, I don't know that I would miss it. Probably nothing would happen but the impression wouldn't be great.

Cherie asked:

First of all I want to tell you, I love this site!  My questions are: How do I tell an older neighbor not to bring gifts to my house for my son? This man is always buying gifts for my son but not my daughter. I think it is rude and very unfair. I have mentioned to him in the past not to bring gifts. I think if he brings a gift for one, he should bring two or nothing. I can't stand to see another child's feelings hurt. If it were my son's birthday and he brought one gift - this would be a different story. But I'd prefer he wouldn't do anything at all. He is a lonely man I know, however my patience are wearing thin. His treats for the "kids" are frequent and I believe an excuse to come over. I don't enjoy his company, however I don't want to hurt his feelings either. Sometimes, he will come over in the evening after 9 p.m. and will not take the hints to leave. He is about 77 years old, and thinks he can come over anytime he wants. He brings beer and whiskey and always wants my husband to drink with him. He can be a large nuisance. My husband does occasionally drink with him. It is upsetting to me that he comes over late. And often to family parties, even when he isn't invited. Do I have to be neighborly because he lives so close. How can I get him to respect my privacy?  He does this with the family next to us too! They allow it! How do I discourage it?  Please help!

The Etiquette Queen says:

First of all, I would worry about his interest in my son and not my daughter. I'm not saying he's a predator but with today's world, you never know. Don't every leave them alone together. As far as unwanted guests, you must just get the courage and tell him that you will invite him when it's a good time for you but until then you and your family need your privacy. Get your husband involved in the enforcement of this. I realize that he's probably lonely but other than suggest activities to keep him busy, it's not your job. Good luck.

Erin McCain asked:

I am planning my parents 25th anniversary, which is on July 27th. The party I am planning for on the 25th. I want to have a small party 15-20 people. I would like some ideas for outdoor decorations. I would like to do a gazebo type set up with tree lanterns to set up in a backyard. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

The Etiquette Queen says:

Check out party411.com/themes for some ideas. Bird houses and lanterns are very popular this year so they are easy to find. Also strings of twinkling white lights. Either paper mache or real flowers in baskets and woven in the latticework. Balloons are always in style. It would be clever to have 25 of everything, i.e., baskets of flowers, flowers in the baskets, etc. Also, get a picture of them in their wedding clothes and a recent one and put them together in a blowup poster for the guests to see the differences.

Stephanie asked:

My neighbors just informed me of a block party planned on the same day as my twins birthday party. I have only invited one of my neighbors. The neighborhoods tried to rent a blowup jump house for the block party, everyone was booked up. But of course I planned far enough out to have one for my party. My question and concern is that the entire neighborhood kids will want to come to my back yard to jump and partake in my kids birthday. How do I tactfully say leave to them if they knock at my door? I don't want to be the neighborhood snob, but I have been planning this party for a long time and I do not want the entire neighborhood in my back yard.

The Etiquette Queen says:

You do have a problem. I guess the only answer is to call the parents ahead and tell them the situation. That is the only reasonable solution. But my guess is that you'll still have kids knocking at the door. Just tell them that you're not allowed to have any uninvited kids to play because the company you rented from won't let you. A little white lie in this case won't hurt.

sherry asked:

is there a specific flower for a 50th anniversary?

The Etiquette Queen says:

I can't come up with anything but try asking your local florist. There might be something.

Maureen asked:

HELP! My sister and her boyfriend are getting married in Hawaii (sp?) on New Years Eve of this year. Every year he has a large Christmas party for his company. We are intending to turn this into just a family and friends "reception" before they leave for their trip. How is this done? Is this done? Is this tacky? How should we word the invitations? Does she register someplace? any HELP would be greatly appreciated.

The Etiquette Queen says:

I really don't believe in mixing business with pleasure. You might make someone feel obligated to give a gift because of work. Either do 2 parties or just one but keep them separate. You'll save yourself a lot of grief.

lyn asked:

Is it okay to ask for gift certificates to any of the area stores so they can buy what they want as they need it?

The Etiquette Queen says:

Of course, we do it all the time. It is especially good when dealing with teenagers.

Rev. Marge Vincent asked:

Will be doing a funeral, first one, would like to know some of funeral etiquette. I will be the main speaker. Word, program, order to follow. all this info will help. OH as soon as possible, dead people can't wait. Thanks

The Etiquette Queen says:

If you are truly a reverend, there should be some existing protocol. If you are a lay person, contact come clergy for advice. This is too big an issue and area for me to get specific.

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