The
Etiquette Queen 
Ask your questions of the Etiquette Queen now.
You may even see your question and answer posted in the space below.
amy boyd asked:
I have a group of close girlfriends, two years ago one of the girls had a
baby shower for her first baby. A fifty dollar gift was purchased for this
event. One year later she married and as the story goes, a gift of money was
given in the amount of fifty dollars. This same girlfriend is now having twins
and a baby shower was given but I was unable to attend. I would still love to
buy her a gift for her soon to be new set of twins, but I never received a
thank you note for either of the two previous occasions. Etiquette Queen what
would you do?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Depends how good a friend she is. If she is one that you would like to
keep, forget the note and get the gift. Your other two options are do nothing
and say nothing or tell her how you feel about the lack of a thank-you. This
has to be your call.
quadeera asked:
I am planning a formal sweet sixteen and I don't quite know how it really
goes. I don't want 15 girls only 5 of my closest friends to dance with me. as
you can see I don't really know. help!!!
The Etiquette Queen says:
You can't decide who asks you to dance. You can only decide whether to
dance with that person or not. Or you can ask the one you want to dance.
There's no other way.
Cherie asked:
Wedding Shower: I was invited on Thursday evening for a wedding shower
taken place on Sunday. The mother of the bride to be said it was a terrible
oversight that I wasn't invited sooner. The shower is in the afternoon and is
a 2.5 hour drive from my home. I've already made plans for Sunday morning.
What would be an appropriate way to handle not going. I do want to acknowledge
the bride. Do I send a gift (what?) money (how much?) What is appropriate? She
is a 3rd cousin. I really don't see this side of the family very often. Occasionally
at weddings and unfortunately funerals. The bride to be's mother
and my mother were very close growing up. Please advise. Thank you.
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, tell them you already had plans that can't be broken so
you're sorry you can't attend. Only send a present if you get an invitation to
the wedding and want to send one. If your mom is so close, she will take care
of her gift by herself. Don't emotionally blackmail yourself.
Colleen Davis asked:
My husband and I are invited to his cousins shower and wedding. They live
in NY and we live in IN. We have met them once. During our meeting I was
pregnant, they requested that we send them an announcement so they could send
a gift. We never received a card or a gift for our baby. Should we send
anything to either event? We wont' be able to attend them. Thanks. Colleen
Davis
The Etiquette Queen says:
I would just send my congratulations and regrets.
Holly asked:
Help.. I have just one questions regarding sending of Thank you notes....
What is the time frame in which you should send them??? That is for any reason
that you would want to send a Thanks you note... i.e.: Birthday presents, gifts,
helping out etc.. Please e-mail me back... Thanks H
The Etiquette Queen says:
On all occasions, except wedding presents, any more time than a month to 6
weeks would be too long.
Becky asked:
I am throwing a bachelorette party. Can I ask people that are not in the
wedding party to help share the expense of the limo????? If I can, how do I
ask??
The Etiquette Queen says:
If they ride, they pay. it's simple, tell them
alisa asked:
We are having a party for my mom's 60th birthday. There will be about
100-125 people all from different groups, friends, etc. Is it ok to have name
tags so the guests can meet each other easier? Or is that tacky?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Absolutely, just make them fit the theme or decorations. Wish other parties
did the same!
Mary asked:
What is a "typical" 25th wedding anniversary party? Is it
acceptable to renew vows in church followed by a reception at home or at a
hall? How much it too much? We want to do something really special!
The Etiquette Queen says:
There is no "typical" in this case. Anything the couple or their
friends want to do is fine. It's a perfect case of "no one is the boss of
us"!
Tricia asked:
I am invited to a farewell party for someone entering the military. Is it
expected that I bring a gift? If so, is money expected considering you really
can't bring material items to boot camp? T
The Etiquette Queen says:
You need to ask your host or hostess what they have in mind
Tricia asked:
I am invited to a farewell party for someone entering the military. Is it
expected that I bring a gift? If so, is money expected considering you really
can't bring material items to boot camp?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You need to ask the host or hostess what you should do.. Good luck
Kim asked:
I will be attending a formal dinner. My attire includes a formal length cream dress. Can I wear a dressy
sandal that is slightly off in color? Do I
need to wear stockings? I have a very dark tan.
The Etiquette Queen says:
A lot depends upon the time of the year. Now that it is getting warmer,
lighter shoes can be worn. Sandals are very stylish right now but don't go
with a slightly off color. You might want to go with a totally different color
with matching purse or something in your hair. Stockings are always the thing
for formal, no matter how tan you are.
Nicole asked:
All of the bridesmaids (including myself) are hosting a shower for my
cousins. We would like to know is it necessary to also buy her a gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
This would be the appropriate time to give the bride her wedding present.
You might also include a little something personal if you wish.
Nancy asked:
When is it appropriate to put BYOB on an invitation? We are having a 40th
birthday party with about 40 guests. The invitations and dinner will be very
informal. We will probably provide wine with dinner, but it would really help
if people would bring their own beer and sodas. Is that at all rude?
The Etiquette Queen says:
In this case, it is quite appropriate. You don't want to deal with this
issue when the guests call to RSVP.
bonnie asked:
I have two children, one in 1st grade, the other in 2nd. Both teachers are
pregnant. For each class, the "classroom mother" requested that each
child donate $5-8 per child for a class present (a high chair, stroller, etc).
I think it is inappropriate for children to hold a shower and declined to
participate (send in my money). If anything, a book of nursery rhymes from the
class seems more appropriate. In my opinion, these mothers are mixing up their
personal role with their class role. What is your opinion? I do like both
teachers
The Etiquette Queen says:
I agree with you. A "child-like" gift would be appropriate after
the teachers give birth and it could either come from each class as a whole or
from individual students. It's always fun to have the kids create some kind of
card.
Nancy asked:
I know there are several questions regarding 50th Wedding Anniversaries,
but none were quite specific enough to answer my question. Is it generally
customary for guests of a party of a 100 or more to pay for their own meals,
or is this only done when finances are tight? Is it tacky? We're throwing our
parents a 50th Wedding Anniversary party and we're confused as to what is the
most tasteful way to go about planning this momentous occasion. We want to
send them on a vacation AND give them the party, but I'm afraid we won't be
able to do both, financially. Should we pay for the party and then tell the
guests they're welcome to donate "Dot and Gene's Hawaiian Vacation"?
Please help - we're stumped, but don't want to be tasteless. Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, you have a few options. You could blow all the finances on a party,
but I don't like that. You could have a scaled down dessert-type party with a
travel theme and let all the guests know that you folks are taking this
vacation, courtesy of you guys. Let them decide what, if anything, to bring.
You could send them on the trip and when they return, have everyone over for
coffee and cake and let your parents take center stage talking about their
trip. Be sure to provide them with lots of film.
Carmen asked:
Me and my sister are both pregnant again together. We were wondering why
some people at our work are planning a second baby shower for each of us. My
mother had 6 children, and only had one baby shower. She said "You only
have one baby shower". Are we missing something here?
The Etiquette Queen says:
If they want to give you a shower, let them. Sometimes it is good to make
others happy, and this seems to do it for them. There is no limit on showers,
whether bridal or baby. Enjoy
Lisa Tucker asked:
My parents are approaching their 50th wedding anniversary and my sister and
I are planning a celebration. We live in a very small town handsome of their
friends live out of town. We plan to send invitations but I need ideas for the
reception itself. What is appropriate for 50-100 people? I would like
something different but something traditional also. Can you give me ideas, I
need help bad!!!!I need help in planning the food and everything! I want
something nice and different other than just the cake, nuts, punch, mints. Any
suggestion?? Please help me.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Do they have something favorite to do? Like travel, camping, etc. Make
centerpieces to go with one of those themes and the invitations also. Instead
of a formal party, plan games with a personal touch such as collecting baby
pics of the guests, mounting on a board and let everyone guess who is who.
Nicole asked:
All of the bridesmaids (including myself) are hosting a shower for
my cousins. We would like to know is it necessary to also buy her a gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Usually the answer is yes, but if you are giving separate wedding presents,
it isn't necessary. Some hostesses give the wedding present at the shower.
Think of doing that.
Shannon asked:
Comments = I'm 17 and pregnant with my first child. My mom decided to have
a baby shower for family and some friends.. All in all about 30 people. The
people that are attending are very diverse. The babies' fathers parents are
completely against alcohol, some are 15 to 18,some are pregnant as well and
others are just unopinionated about Alcohol. My mom invited three of her
friends at work and they asked specifically that she provide alcoholic
beverages. I feel this is inappropriate due to the age range and the fact that
is a baby shower and will truly offend some of the guests attending. Is it
appropriate to serve alcohol at a baby shower? This baby shower? Thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, guests don't tell you what to serve except for their
particular allergies. Second of all, you are mostly too young to legally
drink. Most importantly, no drinking for pregnant ladies, no matter how old.
If these "ladies" from work need to drink, they can have one before
the party. Stick to your guns - you are on the right track!
Brian Burdette asked:
I and two friends have been invited to an engagement party. What
sort of gift (if any) is appropriate to give the couple? They don't live
together, so that rules out house wares for the most part I think.
The Etiquette Queen says:
I assume they will live together after the wedding. Find out where they are
registered and ask that store for a printout. It will tell you what they like
and the cost. Go from there.
Shannon asked:
I have been invited to a formal (after 6 p.m.) wedding to be
held at an art museum. There is nothing on the invitation about dress. I was
wondering if a black, "dressy" skirt and blouse would be OK. Is it
OK to wear black to a wedding nowadays? I have been invited to a formal (after 6 p.m.) wedding to be held
at an art museum. There is nothing on the invitation about dress. I was
wondering if a black, "dressy" skirt and blouse would be OK. Is it
OK to wear black to a wedding nowadays?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Black is always appropriate, especially at weddings these days. I went to
one last year where not only the wedding party wore black, but also most of
the guests. After 6pm, feel free to wear separates (it's the new trend) as
long as it's after-six looking. It might take jewelry or some accessory but go
for it
C Thomas asked:
Do you RSVP for Barbeques?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Did you get an invitation? Would you want an RSVP if you were giving a
party, regardless of the type of party? Do you ever want to be invited again?
Seriously, all invitations should be responded to, either yes or no.
Dana asked:
I am giving a couples' wedding shower in a very casual,
patio-party, Mexican-themed setting. The invitations are hand-written. Is it
OK to address them to each person's first names, i.e. John and Jane Doe, or
should I always address them Mr. and Mrs. John Doe? I am also sending one to a
couple where the wife is a Judge. What is the appropriate way to address this
one? Lastly, is it OK to invite a friend of mine that is helping me with the
party although she is neither a friend nor an acquaintance of the guests of
honor? I would appreciate a quick response as I am running out of
time. Thank you, Dana
The Etiquette Queen says:
First of all, if you normally call them by their first names and the party
is as casual as you say, go right ahead and use first names on the invites.
This goes for the judge (in the future, judges are always addressed as
"the Honorable". As for your friend, would she feel out of place,
have you made any promises of an invite? Better you should buy her a gift or
take her to lunch or dinner if this would make her happier.
Pam asked:
Dr Queen. URGENT! ..my mother's 50th birthday is this
weekend(!!) we're celebrating with dinner at a restaurant and then on to a
blues club (which charges admission). It's a small group of 10 attendees, whom
have all been invited verbally, Some by my mother, some by me. My aunt asked
if guests were expected to pay their own checks, (affirmative). Now I am not
sure how to delicately ensure everyone else knows (my mom says they do) and if
I have committed a horrible etiquette sin already in not hosting it myself. (I
already bought my mom a stereo as a present) Also, if so, are favors then
appropriate for me to give to each guest? thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!
The Etiquette Queen says:
To solve the check situation, ask your server on the side to give separate
check to guests, indicating which you want to keep for yourself. If you can
find cute, meaningful favors, within budget, they would be quite appropriate
but don't break the budget. Remember, it's not the cost, it's the thought!
Patty asked:
I have seen it 2 different ways. Where is proper to place the napkin on
a formal dinner table. On the left, under the fork, or on the right, under the
knife and spoon?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Patty! The napkin always goes on the left unless that is the tradition of a
foreign country--that I've never heard of (or you're looking in a mirror!)...
Marlene asked:
Is it a good idea to write a thank-you note after spending a weekend in a
new friend's house, if you've already sent flowers as a thank-you?
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you have sent flowers, there is no need for a formal written thank you.
LGS asked:
If you are invited to a friend's card game, is it o.k. to invite a mutual
friend to come with you if the party giver did not invite the mutual friend?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Only if you call first! There's food and drink to consider, etc. Remember,
though, that by calling you really put your host on the spot: how can they say
no? It depends on the level of your friendship whether or not you can get them
to tell you if you are imposing. Or you can just not worry about it. But do
call first so you are not embarrassed.
Betsy asked:
I'm attending a formal dinner party, at which I'll be wearing
above-the-elbow length gloves. Do I take my gloves off for dinner, or is it
appropriate to eat with them on?
The Etiquette Queen says:
It is appropriate to remove them for dinner. Place them in your lap or in
your bag (if they will fit).
Krissy asked:
I recently had a baby shower and my husband did not attend. When I make out
the Thank You cards do I sign his name also?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Absolutely. Even though as the mom-to-be you are the one who gets the party,
the presents and the fun (just wait!)...he still is a beneficiary of this
frivolity.
Monique asked:
What is required when you are chosen to be the godmother of a close
friend's child? Please help.
The Etiquette Queen says:
First and foremost, show up at the christening; you probably want to get
the child something significant (like a savings bond or something more personal
but long-lasting). You are also probably going to be expected to be there for
every birthday, every special event and every milestone in this child's life.
Be supportive spiritually and otherwise. That's most of it.
Charlotte asked:
My siblings and I are planning a 50th wedding anniversary for our parents.
Is it proper to serve only cake, nuts, mints, and punch or should we include
more finger foods. It is planned for a Sunday afternoon, 2 to 4 p.m.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Between 2 and 4 in the afternoon is fine for a dessert type party. However,
people still may expect some small appetizers, finger foods, tea sandwiches,
etc. So, to keep everyone happy, you might want to include those in your menu.
Otherwise, be clear on the invitation that it is a dessert celebration.
CJ asked:
I need to know what the proper use of eating utensils are, and what foods
should be eaten with what utensil. We are arguing at work whether it is proper
to eat corn and mashed potatoes with a spoon.
The Etiquette Queen says:
No, dearie, you should not. You should use a fork for your corn and your
mashed potatoes.
kjh asked:
I asked for rsvps to my holiday buffet party by Monday. Wednesday, I get a
message that an invited couple is rsvping, and bringing another guest. how do
you tell them nicely that you are afraid you wouldn't have enough food? I don't want the guests to that
RSVP on time to suffer.
The Etiquette Queen says:
There really isn't a nice way to tell them. And by the way, did you invite
them with guest...or did they just decide on their own to bring someone??! You
can always add to your food order but not "delete" when you've made
a guarantee. If you want to stay friends with this couple, let it go and call the caterer.
Paul - Campus catering asked:
Someone has informed me that it is now proper to both serve and clear from the left. This seem logical since the
server is less likely to disrupt wine or water glasses or dip their sleeve in the
guest's coffee. Is this recommended or
should we stick with the traditional serve left &clear right?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You are taking a chance since most people are used to being served the
opposite way. On the other hand, if it makes sense for you, is more efficient
for your servers, chances are after the few drinks they had during cocktail
hour, they won't even notice. I say, go for the latter. Happy Thanksgiving.
adam lines asked:
Which way do you pass the food at the family dinner table for Thanksgiving?
Is it to the left and that person grabs with their left and serves with their
right? Help!!!!
The Etiquette Queen says:
People naturally pass to their right. Based on the fact that most people
are right-handed, they would take the dish with both hands and serve themselves
with their right hand. On the other hand (excuse the pun--well, that's not
exactly a pun, is it?)...as long as people don't throw the food at each other,
I wouldn't worry about it.
Gilles Roy asked:
When you are invited over for lunch and bring a bottle of wine, are the
hosts supposed to open that bottler what are they suppose to do with it.
Thanks.
The Etiquette Queen says:
They can if they want, but proper etiquette is to put that wine away, since
it is a gift, and use it at a later time.
Kate asked:
My brother has just gotten engaged, my mother has never met my brother's fiancée's
parents. Jenny's parent's live in Delaware and my mom lives in New
Jersey; is it my moms place to invite her parents to New Jersey or is it the
bride's parent's responsibility?
The Etiquette Queen says:
That's an interesting question, Kate. No matter how it is
"written" in the etiquette books, if the bride's parents haven't
invited your mother to visit, then she should step forward and invite them to
visit with her. Or coordinate plan for a meeting halfway that might be fun
for all. Your brother has enough going on, I am sure, that it would be nice not
to bother him with what might later be a "sore point," if you know
what I mean. So, my vote is that your mother step forward and be the
"big" person in all this. And let's get that engagement off on
smooth sailing...
Ed asked:
Comments = I have a china service with nut plates. Are there any special
rules for using them ? i.e. Where do they go on the table ? What kind of nuts
should be used ? etc...Second question. Should place card holders be used on
formal table settings ? Someone told me that they should be folded and put
directly on the table. What do you think? Thanks, ED According to my sources, nut
plates go to the right and above of the dinner knife. What type of nuts? There
are no rules on that, but I would assume you wouldn't want to serve anything
in a shell, right? Fancy nuts will work; but I wouldn't worry too much, no one
else knows either! As far as place cards and place card holders. There are now
sterling silver formal place card holders for formal set tables, so whoever
told you that needs to go back and take another course from Miss Manners!
Using a place card holder that matches your place settings or using a formal
card, folded double--works. Do as you will. And what makes you comfortable. Can
I come?
The Etiquette Queen says:
According to my sources, nut plates go to the right and above of the dinner
knife. What type of nuts? There are no rules on that, but I would assume you
wouldn't want to serve anything in a shell, right? Fancy nuts will work; but I
wouldn't worry too much, no one else knows either! As far as place cards and
place card holders. There are now sterling silver formal place card holders for
formal set tables, so whoever told you that needs to go back and take another
course from Miss Manners! Using a place card holder that matches your place settings
or using a formal card, folded double--works. Do as you will. And
what makes you comfortable. Can I come?
Kathy asked:
Comments = I need to know how to set a formal table setting.
The Etiquette Queen says:
From learn2.com:Learn2 Set a Table (Continued) Master the formal pacesetting. Generally, the more formal the occasion the more courses
are served, which of course means more flatware. There should be a different set
of utensils for each course: salad fork, dinner fork; dinner knife, bread
knife; and so on. Some special dishes such as oysters have special utensils. These
can be served at the presentation of the food, but generally are
placed on the table in order of course. When oysters are served as an appetizer
for example, set the oyster fork to the right of the spoon. Building from the
basic set-up (see above), the following utensils may be added. On the left side
of the plate put the salad fork to the left of the dinner fork. On the right
add a soup spoon to the outside of the dinner spoon if soup will be served.
Place the soup bowl above the soup spoon and to the right. The bread plate goes
to the left, about two inches above the fork. Place the butter knife across the
bread plate at a diagonal, upper left to lower right. Small salad plates go to
the left and a little lower from the bread plate. Dessert spoons, or in some
cases knife and fork, are placed about an inch above the top of the plate with
the handle(s) on the right side. The largest glass on the table is the water
glass (see above for basic placement). It may be filled and iced when guests arriver
left empty to be filled at each diner's request. If wine or some other
beverage is served, set the appropriate glass to the right and a little lower
from the water glass.
Marvan asked:
when setting a place setting of silver ware is all on one side of the
plate, which side is it on and in what order go the knife, fork & spoon.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Marvan, I am sorry I missed your dinner. Salad fork, dinner fork, table
knife, teaspoon and dessert spoon above the plate (and they'll really think
you know your business).
Nora asked:
I am wondering who should give the toast to the 50th Anniversary couple?
The eldest child, as we think? Thank you. Nora
The Etiquette Queen says:
Nora! The one who is the best speaker!
Dave Taylor asked:
MY SON AND ME DISAGREE, WE ARE HAVING A PARTY 1 WEEK AFTER HIS GRADUATION, WE
RECEIVED OPEN HOUSE ANNOUNCEMENTS WITH A PACKET WE BOUGHT BUT HE SAYS WE CANNOT
SEND THEM WE NEED PARTY ANOUNCEMENTS,ARE THEY THE SAME THING? THANKS AHEAD OF
TIME
The Etiquette Queen says:
Dave, If you are having a party, you need to send invitations to a "graduation party"...if you are having an open
house (different than
a party since people just stop by to congratulate the graduate) those
announcements are fine!
smitty asked:
My girlfriend wants to invite friends to restaurant for dinner directly
after the graduation ceremony. she will receive a master's degree. How do you
tell guests that they will need to pay for own meals?
The Etiquette Queen says:
When you do the invitation, you should word it so that it is understood that
everyone invited is "giving" the party, so to speak. "You are
invited to share in a dinner honoring Ms. Graduate at The Restaurant...time,
date, etc. Pre-arrange the menu choices and price with the restaurant and list
them on the invitation response card...then no one misunderstands.
Terri asked:
Who traditionally should make speeches at a 21st birthday party?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Terri! There is no "tradition" so to speak about who makes toasts
at a 21st birthday party. However, I do have some suggestions. Ask who wants to
do it in advance so it doesn't go on and on forever (or you may be very very
sorry). And ask those "toasting" to limits their comments to two minutes. Planning
a "program" is always a good idea or it can get really out of hand. Have a good time.
Emily Kellerhals asked:
I'm having a graduation party after my graduation. I was wondering if it was
okay to invite someone to my party if I didn't send them an invitation. Thanks
a lot
The Etiquette Queen says:
Of course. Phone them and invite them personally. If they happen to know
that you mailed invitations to other people, you have two choices.1. tell the
truth--you forgot!2. lie and call to see why they haven't Rasp's! Happy graduating.
Jana asked:
What is the "proper" (American style, not European) way to eat
food with a knife and fork? I've been told the rule has changed. I learned you
should hold the fork in your left hand, cut with the knife in your right hand,
set the knife down on your plate, switch the fork to your right hand and eat
the cut morsel. My co-worker commented that it's NOW proper to keep the fork
in your right hand at ALL times and cut the food with the knife in your left hand. Who's
correct?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I'm not sure, but I think you are. Anyway, I don't know about you, but could never cut my food with my left
hand. Old ways never go out of style. Stick with what you were taught. The Queen
Linda asked:
Our best friends 25th wedding anniversary will be coming up in June.
According to etiquette, who is responsible for planning a party in their
honor? Friends, family member, child?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Linda, If all were well with the world, a family member or child should be
the person hosting an anniversary party. Nine times out of ten, it's the
children (we just did a 50th this weekend for a very lovely couple). But, not
everyone is thoughtful, and a lot of children and family members never think
to celebrate something such as this...be it because of budget constraints,
just bad manners or who knows! If these are your best friends, and the
children or another family member hasn't organized anything, why not approach
them to help? If they look at you aghast, then do it yourself. Even if it's
potluck, your friends will surely appreciate it. Go with your heart. Etiquette
Queen
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