The
Etiquette Queen 
Ask your questions of the Etiquette Queen now.
You may even see your question and answer posted in the space below.
Leila asked:
What type of thank you gift should I give to 3 people that are giving me a
baby shower?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You don't need to give them anything but a wonderful note and your verbal
thanks. If you really feel the need to buy something, a nice bottle of wine or
a box of candy would do.
Jeffery Woodlee asked:
I have been invited to a friends cocktail party on Saturday, July 24, 1999
and am wondering if etiquette dictates I should bring or offer an appropriate
gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
There is no reason to bring or offer to bring a gift. A party is just a
party unless there is a special reason such as a housewarming, birthday, etc.
Joan asked:
Should we take a gift to a dinner party? This party has 5 couple's invited
and is hosted by the Pastor of our church. Is it customary to take a gift and
what kind of gift should be taken to small dinner parties?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Usually the only gift to such an evening is a bottle of wine.
Katherine Mask asked:
My husband and I are planning a 30th anniversary party for my parents. Is
it rude to ask the guests to bring gifts? If not, what is the best way to let
them know they are expected to bring a gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
If you are giving a party, you CANNOT expect guests to bring a gift. Most
will, but some won't. There's no polite way to ask or tell anyone to bring a
gift. If you are just having a party for the presents, don't bother. If you
want their company, invite who you want and let the chips fall where they may.
Mary asked:
I am hosting a bridal shower for a friend of mine's daughter. Should I
purchase a shower gift also, or is the shower considered a gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
You really should get some sort of gift. Don't break the bank but temper
the price to what you can really afford.
Melina asked:
1) Is it tacky to not have party favors at my wedding? I've had 6 weeks to
plan an in-home wedding for 50 people (the wedding is next weekend!), and I
don't have much time or money left. If it is tacky, can you suggest some
elegant but inexpensive favors?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I've never heard of having party favors at a wedding. Just little cake
boxes to take home a piece of wedding cake. Calm down, have a great wedding.
Ann asked:
what do you buy a sweet 16 girl
The Etiquette Queen says:
The easy answer is "A sixteen year old boy". But seriously, find
out her interests, musically, sports, reading, travel, makeup to help you
narrow it down. I don't know how much you plan on spending or your
relationship to the girl so specific advice is hard.
Cheryl L .Burton asked:
What is an appropriate amount to spend on a shower gift? Is there a certain
percentage of what you intend to spend on the wedding gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Unless it's a personal shower or a specific type of shower, most people
give the wedding gift at the shower. The bride and groom will recognize that
is what you are doing. It's better than splitting the cost between 2 so-so
presents. The amount you spend on the wedding gift is up to you. Decide how
much you want to spend and then find out where they are registered and go
shopping.
utk asked:
Is it proper etiquette to register for a 50th Wedding Anniversary
celebration? Please respond ASAP, because the celebration is next weekend.
Thank you.
The Etiquette Queen says:
You can register for any occasion. Not everyone pays attention though so
don't be disappointed.
LTD asked:
Is it true that if the mother-to-be is having another boy, you do not give
a baby shower?
The Etiquette Queen says:
No it isn't. Just because the sex is the same, doesn't mean it's the same
baby.
Impressive asked:
I am planning my grandparents 50th Anniversary Party. The have collected so
much over the years, they really do not want gifts to clutter their small
home. However, they are open to people giving money or gift certificates. I do
not think there is a way to etiquettely state this, what is your opinion? They
were thinking of having a Money Tree Available at the party, She we state this
on the invitation? Confused in Louisiana
The Etiquette Queen says:
As a person not familiar with the tradition of a money tree, I cannot tell
you how to express this. But here's an idea. Why not have everyone contribute
money and make a donation in your grandparents name to their favorite charity.
Vanessa asked:
I previously had a graduation party. My guests gave me money. Now that it
is time to send out thank you cards I don't know the proper way to say thank
you for the money! Could you please HELP ASAP. Thank you Vanessa
The Etiquette Queen says:
Use 3 sentences. l. thank you for your generous graduation gift. 2. I will
certainly put it to good use when the time comes. 3. Thank you again for
thinking of me.
Elise C. McWilliams asked:
What is the proper etiquette for returning wedding gifts is a wedding has
been canceled or postponed?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Two different answers. If cancelled, just return the gift to the sender/s
with a note of explanation. If the postponement is only a short one, like a
month or so, call the giver and explain it. If the postponement is going to be
longer, return it with a note.
R. D. W. asked:
I am planning a surprise party for my mother's 55th birthday next month. I
am sending out the invitations this week and would like to know how to handle
the gift issue. I don't want people to feel obligated to bring gifts. The
party is just for everyone to get together and have a good time. Should I
write something on the invitation? How do I handle this issue?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Don't mention gifts. Some will naturally bring them and some won't and you
can't control it. Just have a place to put them to be opened after the party.
Theresa asked:
I was wondering if a Anniversary Clock is a acceptable gift for a 50th
wedding anniversary. Thank you.
The Etiquette Queen says:
I really don't know what an anniversary clock is. But I always feel that
anything given with thought and love is not just acceptable but desired.
AMY SALVA asked:
CURIOUS TO KNOW IF THERE IS A TRADITIONAL GIFT THAT GODPARENTS ARE SUPPOSE
TO PURCHASE FOR BABIES BAPTISM??? IF THE GODMOTHER WANTS TO PURCHASE BAPTISMAL
GOWNS IS IT IMPROPER NOT TO LET HER CHOOSE THE STYLE???
The Etiquette Queen says:
A lot of time, the gown is handed down through generations of a family so
that would be a good thing to know first. If not, consult the mom and dad as
to whether it is ok and what they would like. As a godparent, I have given
something in engraved sterling silver like a rattle or a frame.
Doris Foster asked:
Looking for the proper way to make or handle a money tree for parents 50th.
anniversary party. How do we set it up so we will know who gave so that we may
send thank you notes. Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
You could provide small envelopes for those who don't have one and plenty
of pens. Put a little sign for your guests to know to use the envelopes and to
put their names on them.
Peggy asked:
I HAVE BEEN INVITED TO AN "EAGLE SCOUT PRESENTATION" FOR A YOUNG
MAN (13) WHO GOES TO THE SCHOOL I WORK AT. ITS A DINNER. IS A GIFT EXPECTED AT
THIS SORT OF THING--LIKE A GRADUATION? I WOULD APPRECIATE A RESPONSE
ASAP. THANKS
The Etiquette Queen says:
I don't believe so but if you feel something is necessary, you could make a
donation in his name to some charity dealing with children.
Melissa Costanzo asked:
My parents 30th wedding anniversary is just around the corner. For their
25th my brother and I threw them a party. We have decided to in together on a
gift for them for the 30th as well. What is appropriate and sentimental for
the parents who have everything?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Why don't you gather a lot of pictures from relatives and friends, have
those same people write a short memory or an amusing story and put them in an
album. Put their picture on top, could be their wedding picture next to one of
them today. Then arrange for a dinner for two at their favorite restaurant or
have it catered for them in their home with candles, champagne, the works.
maid of honor asked:
Is there any particularly traditional engagement gift for the maid of honor
to give for a wedding gift or more specifically engagement party gift?
thanks!
The Etiquette Queen says:
There is no tradition at all. Just go with what you would like to give as a
gift to a person who chose you on her special day.
Amy asked:
My son is graduating from high school. What is expected for him to bring to
parties of his friends? They might be going from party to party.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Nothing is expected. Since they are all graduates, they would go broke is
they bought presents for all. On his own, if there are any friends he wants to
gift, he can do so privately.
Connie asked:
My daughter is graduating after 4 years in college--her father wants to
throw her a big party, even inviting my daughter's great aunt and uncles. I
think this is just a plot to get $ and or presents. What type of party or
celebration is proper for a college graduation? Also, is there any etiquette
tips for a gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
A lot of this depends upon each family. If it is a tradition in yours to
have parties to celebrate events, follow tradition. If it isn't and you want a
party, start a tradition. Usually, those people who want to get the graduate a
present and those that don't won't. As to the type of party, ask the graduate
and consider how much you want to spend. Would you rather give her the money
to start out her new life or pay rent for a few months on an apartment or
something practical? Think about those things. As far as other people's gifts,
they will give what they want and if asked, tell them honestly what she would
like or what she would need, within reason.
Undine Hunt-Roberts asked:
Hello, My husband and I just purchased our first home. My sister in-law is
planning our housewarming party for us. Is it improper for us to register for
gifts?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I am asked this more and more. In the old days, no such registration was
done. People just gave something if they felt like it. But it seems to have
all changed. I guess it wouldn't hurt to register. Just don't be disappointed
if people don't check it or don't give you something.
Linda asked:
My son is getting married and they have been living together for some time,
my family would like to give them a shower but they do not need household
items. Need ideas on how we can do a money shower and word the invitation to
use the money tree without seeming rude.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Simply state the facts. Since the trend today seems to have a money tree,
it can be no surprise to the guests. And the guests are aware of their living
conditions. Some will still give a gift so be sure to have them register at a
few places.
Keith asked:
My daughter is planning on giving my wife and I a 25th anniversary party.
Is it proper to register for gifts?
The Etiquette Queen says:
I don't think I ever heard of an anniversary registry. Usually people get
together and get one big gift but check around. Maybe I'm behind the times.
Nancy asked:
Our son is graduating from high school the end of the month and we're
having an informal party (outside-we've rented a tent, tables, chairs, etc.)
for about 50 people. I'm clueless about the proper etiquette for cards and
gifts. Should I have a gift table and should he open them all at once in the
presence of everyone? What about card only gifts? Assuming they contain money,
does he open them immediately in the presence of the giver only, or in private
and when?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Unless you are giving a party expressly for giving of gifts (i.e. a shower)
you should not open or display gifts at the party. If the party is outside,
have a place inside, usually by the front door to put everything given and
open them after the party.
stephanie asked:
could you please send me info. on the etiquette of sending thank-yous and
invitations it is for a school project thank you very much
The Etiquette Queen says:
Invitations should be sent about 6 weeks prior to the event. Thank-yous
differ. Wedding present upon receipt of gift, even before the ceremony. That
way you don't have too many after the wedding. Those should be sent ASAP but
definitely within the first year. Thank-yous for all other presents should be
sent as soon as possible. Put yourself in the position of the giver. How would
you feel?
Kecia asked:
A friend just asked what would be proper in the following situation.
If one is asked to two different baby showers and brings a gift to each, as
well as hosts another shower bearing the expense of the shower and gives a
gift at that shower, and has been invited to the christening of the baby
(actually in this instance - twins), would one be obligated to bring a gift to
the Christening?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Only if you are a millionaire. You certainly have contributed more than
your fair share, even for twins.
Mary Bryant asked:
In honor of National Secretaries Day, our company would like to give gift
certificates to employees. In an effort to make it simple, it has been
suggested to give to all women employees who are not "owners" of the
company, however, all women in our company are not secretaries. Is this
appropriate?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Whether called secretaries, administrative assistants or gofers, they all
do the same job. If a female or male assists someone, they should be honored
the same. Calling it secretary's day is a misnomer today.
Janice asked:
I am throwing my mother a housewarming party to celebrate her new
"home". Would it be rude to have her register? Maybe let it be word
of mouth and not publish it on the invitation
The Etiquette Queen says:
Since you mom is probably getting rid of stuff and not accumulating it, why
not think of one or two really great gifts and get those for her. Also include
IOUs for help organizing her new place.
Roxanne asked:
My sister is having a baby girl. I am planning her baby shower and my
sister doesn't like the color pink. She would like to have on the invitations
that she prefers purple, yellow and green to pink. Is that alright to put on
the invitations or is it tacky? How could we word that she doesn't like pink
so no one is offended?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Just say so but cleverly. How about a poem like: I have a sister who's
having a girl We all know she'll be our own little pearl My sister's
appreciative but just has one kink She really detests the color pink. etc.
Tracy Casey asked:
I am going to an Engagement Party, what is a proper gift to bring?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Today, many people bring their wedding gifts to shower and engagement
parties. Find out what the other guests are doing. I, personally, do not find
it necessary to bring anything but a smile on my face.
alex asked:
What would be an proper gift for our babysitter's daughter's Bat mitzvah?
We are not Jewish and we have been with her for about 10 months. Thanks!
The Etiquette Queen says:
The going rate for a bar mitzvah is $25-$50 and the kids love cash. Or a CD
gift certificate or something like that works just as well (...hmmm...well,
the kids might not agree). But if you stay within that range, you'll do okay.
Jean asked:
If I give a really nice bridal shower gift, is it necessary to also bring a
gift to the wedding?
The Etiquette Queen says:
No longer is it necessary to buy two gifts. It is appropriate to get a
fancier/larger/more expensive shower gift that works for both the shower and
the wedding. Depending on how close you are to the bride and/or groom, you may
want to do both...but again--it's not necessary if you buy something nice the
first time around.
Andrea asked:
An acquaintance is having a baby shower. I will not be able to make it.
What do I do? Send a gift anyway or wait until the baby is born and send a
gift then?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Either is appropriate. I would send the gift after the baby is born. It's a
little easier, you'll know if it's a boy or girl; you'll have a better handle
on what she needs, etc.
Anna asked:
Hi there, Etiquette Queen! I'm appealing to you for your opinion on how to
react to a chain of events. The story goes like this: My friend Tori and I
were married to our respective husbands a year and a half ago. We were brides
maids in one another's weddings. She was married 2 weeks before me at which
point I gave her a very beautiful and expensive gift from her list of
registered items. Last week she arrived at my Valentines Day party with our
wedding gift. The gift was a bowl from a store in her home town of Watertown,
N.Y. (a 9 hour drive from Boston, where I live). The package was crudely
wrapped in a box filled with crumpled newspapers. There was no card for us,
but inside the package I found a tiny gift card at the bottom of the box,
which had been addressed to Tori and her husband. I feel extremely
disappointed by her lack of effort to give us something useful (we moved into
a new home a year ago and I had registered for gifts) and her lack of
thoughtfulness (we don't need another bowl and it would be difficult to return
this to Watertown, N.Y.) My feelings are hurt and I'm not sure how to react.
Do I send a thank you card? Should I ask her if I can return it? Please help
me out with some guidance if you can. Thank you, Anna
The Etiquette Queen says:
She is thoughtless, bottom line. I am sorry this happened. It sounds like
until now your friendship was pretty "tight." So, the decision you
have to make is whether or not it's worth destroying what you have built. You
can tell her you are upset, or you can let it go and harbor those feelings
toward her (chances are, your friendship won't be the same anyway). I would
let it go and chalk it up to experience. But know you are definitely in the
right.
Casey asked:
Do you have a traditional anniversary gift list that you could e-mail to
me? I am celebrating my first anniversary and I think the traditional gift is
supposed to be paper. I would like to see the complete list and have it for
future reference. Can you help me?
The Etiquette Queen says:
http://www.party411.com/anniversarygifts.html Go to that address on
party411 and everything is listed for you! If you need further advice, let me
know!
dee asked:
I'm throwing my fiancé a surprise 30th birthday party at a restaurant for
his friends. Do I need flowers for the tables? Also, any suggestions for
possible gifts?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Do flowers go with your fiancé? Probably not. I would do a centerpiece
that is more appropriate and more about him (for example, check out our
caricatures at www.party411.com/caricature.html). We can have it made or I am
sure you can find someone in your area to do it. Include his interests, etc.,
and set it up center table with some pens. Then the guests can use it as a
sign-in board. In terms of gifts, from you or the guests? From you, something
romantic of course (a weekend night away, a carriage ride). From his friends,
that's up to them!
Diane asked:
Is it proper etiquette or expected to give a Thank You gift to Godparents
for Baptizing your child If so, can you give any gift suggestions.
The Etiquette Queen says:
I'm not sure that it's listed in the etiquette books, but it is always nice
to acknowledge an act of kindness. Thus, it would be proper.
Jean asked:
I am giving a surprise birthday party for my 90-year old mother-in-law and
her twin sister. I know people will want to bring gifts. Since both women are
very hard to buy for, I would like to have a money tree set up at the party
for contributions. How can I word this on the invitation without insulting
anyone? Thanks for your help.
The Etiquette Queen says:
Interesting question. Situations such as these are always touchy. I think
you should insert a separate card that says, "Many people have asked us
about gifts, and since we can't come up with many ideas (it seems as if they
have everything at this point), we have decided to set up a money tree at the
party for name and name." Something soft that makes it seem like you are
doing the guest a favor. Get it?
Elysse asked:
Having a 50th Anniversary Party for my parents next weekend. What type of
gifts are appropriate for 50 year anniversaries?
The Etiquette Queen says:
On the list of what is proper to give for a 50th, gold is listed. On the
other hand, I think people enjoy restaurant gift certificates, tickets to
plays and get-away weekends far more.
DAWN asked:
WHAT DOES ONE BRING WHEN INVITED TO A WINE & CHEESE PARTY?
The Etiquette Queen says:
there's no set rule on that; however, I would bring either a fine wine or
flowers...you may want to get a gift basket filled with wine and gourmet
crackers (for the cheese) or for your host/hostess to enjoy on her own!
Kari asked:
I need to get a gift for my soon to be 11 friend I have no clue what to get
she has almost everything Hope you can help
The Etiquette Queen says:
You know what, Kari, I'd stick to music. And if you don't know what she
likes, get her a gift certificate to your local music store. Put it in an
empty CD box (your parents probably have an empty one around) or you can buy
one at your local computer store for $1 each.
Tykeria asked:
I'm having a Sweet 16 Party and I would like to put gift ideas on the
invitation but I do not want it to seem aggressive. How would I incorporate
this?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, Tykeria, it's just not done! Unfortunately it's kind of tacky to list
gift ideas on an invitation (unless you are asking people to donate money to
your favorite charity). What you can do is appoint your closest closest friend
and tell her what to say when people ask her what to get you. Other than
that...you're out of luck! However, wouldn't it be nice if you could register
for birthdays like you do for weddings? I'd be first in line.
Juanita Brannan asked:
Should a husband of 2 yrs give his wife fake pearls for a Christmas Gift?
The Etiquette Queen says:
That's a hard one. If he can afford real pearls, then I would say no. If he
can't, it's the thought that counts. If he's just being cheap, you have a
right to be upset.
Leslie McDonnell asked:
I am planning a 65th birthday brunch for women only for my mom's birthday
at my home. It will be two weeks after a huge Christmas party at my house.
would it be tacky to leave up most of the decorations. Also any ideas
regarding gifts?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Certainly you can leave up the decorations. It will still be holiday time,
and everyone will enjoy the festivity. As far as gifts go...if your mom
doesn't need anything, it might be nice to have your guests donate in her
honor to one of her favorite charities. If not, you will have to leave it to
your guests.
Lisa Jones asked:
I'm planning a 50th b'day party for my mother. Is it appropriate for her to
open her gifts at the party, or does she do that privately?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Lisa...it depends on the number of people attending. If it is a small,
informal group, by all means, open the presents (as long as those who didn't
think to bring one aren't embarrassed). On the other hand, if it is a larger
group, it takes too much time and tends to stop the party. However, if people
are bringing gag gifts and not "real" gifts--and the opening of the
presents will turn into entertainment...do it! No matter how many people are
there!
Karen asked:
We are planning a 10th anniversary party, since we live out of town now
it's really just an excuse to get together with friends and family. So, we
really, really don't want people to bring gifts. Is there any really great way
to handle that besides saying "no gifts please" on the invitation??
The Etiquette Queen says:
I know. I know. People never listen. What I suggest to my clients is that
they put "no gifts, please" on the invitation and insert a card that
says something like: " If you insist on doing something for us, which we
appreciate but is definitely not necessary, you may make a donation if you
wish to [your charity of choice; address]. Fondly, Jack & Jill Get it? Got
it? Good!
C.Ray Gould asked:
What is the traditional gift i.e. gold silver wood ???for the 30th marriage
anniversary? Thanks
The Etiquette Queen says:
Hey Ray! Thanks for asking. There are two these days. Traditional: pearls
Modern: diamonds And if it's for your wife, both pearls and diamonds! The
Queen speaks.
terry gonzales asked:
WHAT IS THE PROPER GIFT TO GIVE FOR A BAR MITZVAH?
The Etiquette Queen says:
Well, Terry, it could be anything. The average gift cost today ranges
anywhere from $25 - $50. I always give money. For several reasons:1. You know
the child will like it.2. You know that even if someone else gave him the same
thing, he'll still be happy. and 3. He/she won't take it back. Smart? Smart. Mazel
Tov
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