Q&A regarding the stress that arises from the crises, the finances, and the marital and human struggles that accompany all the myriad of travails that go on before, during and after celebration of life events.
	ThePartyDoctor Dr. Sonya Friedman

Dr. Sonya Friedman is the former host of the CNN program "Sonya Live," resident psychologist on ABC Talkradio, weekly columnist for the Detroit Free Press, frequent guest lecturer, and author of several New York Times bestsellers. She currently has a private practice in Birmingham, Michigan. See bio.

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A. Severinsen asked:

Occasion: Giving a Teenage Party
Could I please have some information on an average teenage party, i.e. alcohol, drugs and all the other business that happens at a party. What about communication with your parents, not to do what you don't want, and the kinds of parties you should and shouldn't go to, who you should and shouldn't go with, and peer pressure at parties.

The Party Doctor says:

You raise some very important questions, in light of what we know goes on at high school and college parties. Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs are seen as a rite of passage for many teens who decide that it's not cool to conform to adult values and think they are being cool and rebelling by conforming to foolish kid values.

Being your own person is a critical part of the young adult years, when you form your own identity and don't do things because others set up a group of standards. Rather, at this age you need to begin deciding what is right and wrong for you. That means you have examined a behavior and decided that you are aware of the consequences and prepared to pay the price, if there is one.

Too many teens act impulsively, go along with the whims of the crowd, or are so unsure of themselves that they act and then think about what they've done. Why not have a talk with your folks and see what their thoughts are about the teen behavior you mention. Then ask yourself the same questions you ask them. The most courageous act in the world is saying "no" to something that peers are doing that you know in your heart is wrong, particularly when being a part of that group means a lot to you.

Your question tells me you have a clear sense of what you need to do in a variety of circumstances that are presented to you. Now you just have to do it!

Ami asked:

Occasion: Visit From a Friend
My friend from high school comes in to visit about three times a year with her boyfriend. Unlike our family, she is a vegetarian. She comes in and expects to drink a lot and be entertained, along with being fed the right food (her kind) in which all the items must be of the highest quality. I am upset when she comes to visit. I think her behavior is rude. Am I being inconsiderate if I don't provide such things? Also, any ideas on how I could meet her half way politely?

The Party Doctor says:

I don't know how good a friendship this really is, when you do not appear comfortable telling your pal that she is imposing on your good nature. So, to begin, you may have to reassess the friendship and how it got so off kilter - particularly since you don't mention whether or not she entertains your family at her home. I would call her just as soon as she announces that she plans a visit (after you decide if that's what you want, too) and tell her that you think it's a good idea if she brings the foods she prefers with her as you now have to prepare two separate menus and would like her help. Further, if the drinking disturbs you, tell her that you have begun a "no alcohol" policy at your home and it extends to guests. Lastly, I think it's time for a much-needed heart-to-heart between the two of you.

Cheryl asked:

Occasion: 50thWedding Anniversary
My parents will be celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary on November 24th. I am hosting a dinner for 50 people. Unfortunately, my two siblings are estranged from the rest of the family. There are some guests who know this, but some may not. I need to know the appropriate way to include them in my toast without having to explain the entire situation. My parents have agreed that my husband and I, our son and his wife, can host this affair for them. How much do I include my siblings in the memories of their life? Help!

The Party Doctor says:

I wish your situation was unique, but if it gives you any comfort it is all too ordinary for siblings to have a family falling out that leads to the kind of uncomfortable situation you have disclosed. You might consider preparing a video of pictures of the last 50 years that include happy memories and special occasions. Of course, some of the pictures would include you and your siblings, but the focus can be on your parents, their friends, and other family members who will be in attendance. When you give your toast, it should be to the shining qualities that make them who they are in the eyes of the community that loves them. A small mention of your siblings," who were not able to be with us tonight," and the gift of life and choice your parents gave them should suffice. Good luck!

Erin asked:

Occasion: My Parents Won't Attend
What do you do if your own parents refuse to come to formal events celebrating your achievements? Parties, wedding. People tend to wonder why they never show. I don't have an answer. What can I say when asked?

The Party Doctor says:

Since you have not told me the nature of the relationship that exists between yourself and your parents, I don't really have the full context in which to advise you. However, a simple answer to the question you pose is, "I really don't know. Apparently, events like this make them uncomfortable." In fact, that answer opens up a course of questioning that may give you some insight into your parents and why they would choose to deprive you and themselves of this seeming pleasure.

Amy Klein asked:

Occasion: Ending the Party!
My husband has a cousin that we used to invite to parties we would host, but recently we have neglected to invite her. The whole problem is that when the party ends and the guests leave and the house is cleaned up, she continues to stay well into the night! We would like to know if there is a polite way to ask her to leave without causing friction between us and her.

The Party Doctor says:

While we would agree that the perfect guest knows when to leave, we can't always leave it up to others to tune in to our time clock. Therefore, it would work to your advantage - if you like to invite this particular cousin to your events - to state the beginning and ending time of the festivities. Telling people that you're hosting a party from 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. gives everyone a sense of how to pace the evening. Having your husband, as the host, express to people how much you both enjoyed the evening, at 11 p.m., makes clear to all that the evening is over and allows for pleasant farewells. If this cousin lingers, your husband can just say how much you look forward to seeing her next time and help her on with her coat. Don't let her stick around for the clean-up or you'll be defeating your purpose. If you set boundaries, you have to help your guest abide by them.

Angie asked:

Occasion: Fall Party
My boyfriend and I are having a road rally/scavenger hunt and very informal bonfire party for Fall. His friends all drink alcohol and my family doesn't. I don't have a problem with the alcohol being there, but I think we should put a note in the invitation asking them to refrain from alcohol before the party for safety's sake. Is this rude? My boyfriend says you can't control what they do before the party, but I wouldn't put my family in a car with people who have been drinking. What do you think?

The Party Doctor says:

As hosts of a party, you have a responsibility to your guests to try and protect them. All you can do is request a "no drinking and driving" policy indicating that guests have a right to opt out of the rally if they suspect their driver has been drinking. There have been enough local deaths as a result of drinking and driving, as well as the most recent international incident involving Princess Di, to allow people to see that no one is protected from an accident.

C MAGILL asked:

Occasion: Millennium Party for Teenagers
My 17 year-old twins, Tom and Jane, are hosting a party on the millennium for four of their friends. Have you any suggestions on how to avoid and resolve conflict during preparation for, during and after the party, as well as how to share roles and responsibilities equally? We have not as yet agreed on some issues with our children, such as the consumption of alcohol or whether everyone will stay overnight. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

The Party Doctor says:

There are a variety of issues that must be decided before you speak to your son and daughter. First and foremost is what you as parents see as your rules. Having decided that, you can then delegate both choices and responsibilities to your teenagers. So many parents make the mistake of asking their youngsters what they want, and then set the rules. It needs to be the other way around. For example: whether or not there will be a sleep-over is your decision, not theirs. In addition, if you allow alcohol prior to legal age you are making a serious error. After you set time, place and maximum number of attendees, plus other limits, sit down with your twins, draw up a list of what needs to get done, divide the list and let them go to it. If you are financially sponsoring the party, set a budget. Then it's up to Tom and Jane to get the job done.

Susan Young asked:

Occasion: General Party
My daughter has asked to be able to sleep over at a party and possible future parties. She says everyone is doing it. Are they? What should I be doing to make sure this is a safe situation, or maybe I can't. PLEASE, I need information so I can make a decision. Can you help me or direct me to someone who has information on this type of party situation.

The Party Doctor says:

Since you have not given me the age of your daughter, I am limited in terms of specificity of remarks. However, I do know that the "everyone is doing it" line needs to be checked out with parents of similar aged girls. Certainly sleepovers are popular, but there are a lot of things to be looked into. Who's house, what is the phone number, who will be home? Those are just starters. Will there be any alcohol or drugs, any boys, any attempted late night excursions? Then there is the matter of a call to the parents regarding all the above and a call to the other parents about agreed upon rules. What's happened today is that many parents have turned the job of parenting over to their kids and a laissez-faire attitude prevails. If you want your child to be safe, nip that attitude in the bud. Finally, there is the commitment between yourself and your daughter that the basic issue of trust is built on living up to agreed-upon rules. And once that is settled, tell her to have a great time!

Jean Washington asked:

Occasion: Semi-formal Dinner
We're having a dinner for a 12-step serenity group affiliated with a local church. We want the evening to be light and fun. I don't want the whole evening to be directed to recovery, although that's what it's about - to celebrate the members' recovery. What advice can you give as to a theme for the evening? There will be a speaker, a sit-down dinner, and music.

The Party Doctor says:

What about a celebration of the Circle of Life. Include in this the recognition that at any point of the life circle you can begin again. Individuals could share turning points in their lives that account for the turn their lives have taken. Everyone can get up to toast what they are grateful for in their lives, giving credit to others who were there for them. Gratitude is a wonderful theme for a speech and can inspire the audience to give thanks daily so they are always in touch with how far they have come. Anything more that you do will be a bonus, as I think the above will more than fill your evening.

Katrina asked:

Occasion: Birthday
I am having a birthday party and another girl who I don't get along with is having one the same day. I would change the date to the day before, but my mom has a test she has to take the next morning, and the other nights are school nights. Some of my friends want to go to the other girl's party, and our school is small. We don't have a lot of people. What should I do?

The Party Doctor says:

Why not find out the hours of the other gal's party and make yours before. You can serve appetizers, start everyone off in a festive mood, and not force others to make a choice. If the other girl's party is in the afternoon, then make yours for "tea." In either case, you would do well to bite the bullet in terms of the fact that they will both be the same day, and you can be creative in pulling this off so that you don't feel like you might come in second best. Put your thinking cap on and your brightest smile, then invite the people you want and enjoy yourself and your guests.

Gilhooly asked:

Occasion: Renewing of Vows
My brother and sister-in-law have been married for 10 years. When they got married, they did so in a private ceremony with only their children in attendance. Now they want to have a full-blown wedding for their 10th anniversary. Is it appropriate?

The Party Doctor says:

It's only appropriate for your brother and sister-in-law to have a full-blown wedding 10 years after their small ceremony if they want to pay for the whole shebang! Why not. You bring gifts to all kinds of parties, why not this one. They probably feel as though they missed out and now want to make up for it. She may even want to wear white. In this day of doing your own thing, they're not hurting anyone, not even themselves. Why not!

TNH asked:

Occasion: Baby Shower
My son's father's God-sister asked me to plan her baby shower. My son's father and I are no longer together, nor do we communicate. I feel very awkward planning this shower. Should I reconsider, or go ahead and plan it since she asked me to as her friend? I get along great with the other family members, but what if the other child's mother shows up?

The Party Doctor says:

While you suggest that you get along great with the family members on THAT side of the family, the fact that you are feeling awkward about planning a baby shower for someone in your ex-husband's family is an answer to your own question. Why not suggest that some close friends of this gal's do the shower and you offer to help. Then it won't be at your home and you won't feel as responsible to be there. You can then decide as late as the day of the shower whether you feel okay about going, without feeling that you have no choice about whether to attend.

Kelly Rhode asked:

Occasion: Mom's 80 Birthday
I'd like your opinion, if I'm doing the right thing. My mom is turning 80. I thought that I'd co-ordinate my 3 brothers and sisters flying in to Myrtle Beach for her birthday. Plan is to take her out to the most expensive restaurant with the works: limo ride, appetizers, champagne, main course, dessert - all of which I'd take care of ahead of time. Mom does not have to make a decision. Any other ideas?

The Party Doctor says:

Women like attention at all ages. Have you considered that, in addition to her kids, she might like a cocktail party where she is paid tribute by some of the men in her life. There's nothing like being toasted, especially at 80, by a few handsome dudes who make you feel like a heck-of-a-dame again!

Debbie asked:

Occasion: Parents' 40th Wedding Anniversary
My parents are hosting their own wedding anniversary in October. All four of their kids are driving down from Memphis. Since we cannot be there to help out, any suggestions on a way to help them out? I thought of a red velvet cake for their wedding cake (since its a RUBY theme). The party is being hosted at a club on the Navy Base in Pensacola and they will be paying for the open bar and food for everyone. They won't take any money from us kids--they just want us there. Please advise on what "unexpected" gift we can give.

The Party Doctor says:

Here are a few ideas for you. Having the "kids" host a version of "This Is Your Life" which would involve getting in touch with some of their long time friends. Have them bring one special photo that you would blow up and present, while the friends tell the story behind the photo. You could make a collage and paste it on a tray which is lacquered and displayed (your local art store could help you). The "kids" might also put on a little "show and tell" reminiscing about the times when they were really kids - the good times and the bad.

Woody asked:

Occasion: 50th Anniversary
My family and I are trying to decide on a gift for my in-laws' anniversary. I suggested having a painting done of them. I have talked to several artists but have not been especially thrilled by their work. After talking to my husband and sister-in-law, we were thinking about having a favorite photo enlarged to about 20x24 and framed. Would this be appropriate? I have heard of photos being touched up to look as if they were actually painted from scratch. Have you heard of this procedure before? If so, what is it called? What do you think we should do? Time is running out.

The Party Doctor says:

Actually, I think a family photo taken at their home or outside, if they have a pretty area to use, would be better. It would be long appreciated by them and could be used as a holiday card, for stationery or thank-you notes. It is also a lovely reminder for all the family members, and I think it would be less costly as well as having more meaning.

Charlene Gundlach asked:

Occasion: Son's First Birthday
Our son is having his first birthday in 4 weeks. Our son was born very premature, and this makes his birthday very special. We will have a lot of people in attendance with all age groups of children. We are thinking of having the party at a nearby park. The party seems a little overwhelming at this point! HELP!!!

The Party Doctor says:

First birthday parties are really for everyone but the baby. And, in this case, clearly it is a party that truly celebrates your happiness as a family. The mandatory moment is when the cake is presented to the baby, and after "Happy Birthday" is sung, he is allowed to put his face, hands and feet (if he wants to) into it. Of course the appointed photographer is ready. Other than that, have a couple of games for kids of different ages. Your local toy store or elementary school teacher can suggest a few. Make a little goody bag for the little kids to take home and keep the party SHORT. That always makes for a good time.

Lisa asked:

Occasion: Wedding Invitation - sender unknown
My husband and I received an invitation to an obviously large, formal wedding in another state. Although the bride's RSVP address is local, we have no clue who these people are! Neither the bride nor groom, nor even the bride's parents' names strike a familiar chord with us or our family members. The invitation was forwarded to us from our former address, so these are folks who have not kept up with us, either. Do we return the RSVP card with a note saying, "Although we don't know you from Adam, we wish you a long and happy marriage," or do we simply let it go?

The Party Doctor says:

I suppose you could say on the reply card, "Whoever you are, wherever we met you, have a nice life!" However, you might think the better of it because, down the road, you might recall that this was the couple that saved your dog's life a few years ago, and you told them you would remember them forever. Best to just send your regrets, or if you think you'll be in the neighborhood, accept! You might have a great time and meet lots of fabulous people. You might even recognize the bride and groom!

Jenelle Fletcher asked:

Occasion: Great Grandmother's 100th Birthday
I want this party to be so special. There will only be about 70 people, and most of them will be small children. I need any help you can give me. Do you have any unique ideas? please help!

The Party Doctor says:

A 100th birthday party IS special all by itself. One way to thrill your great grandmother is to have at least one member of each generation offer a special memory or a characteristic of hers that they wish to emulate. Having small children honor a special great grandparent is a special gift for parents and grandparents alike. Whatever foods she loved to cook can now be cooked for her. And don't forget to do a complete family picture. Make sure you have a panoramic camera handy so every little face can be seen.

Amber Scheel asked:

Occasion: My 16th Birthday Party
For the past 4 birthday parties I have thrown, not a single person has shown up - although I sent out invitations a week ahead of time every time. Now my 16th birthday is coming, and my parents said that instead of throwing a "party" we should just go out to eat, just the family. They don't understand I've done that for the past 4 years now, because no one showed up. I really wish to have my friends there for my sweet 16th. HELP!!!????

The Party Doctor says:

First of all, you have to determine who your friends really are, and why they chose to ignore your invitations without offering an RSVP. Then I would suggest that you phone or send your invitations more than a week ahead - with a request for an RSVP by a specific date a week prior to the party. Kiddo, if they don't reply or choose to show up...GET SOME NEW FRIENDS QUICK!

ILEANA OROZCO asked:

Occasion: Husband's 30th Birthday
I am planning to hire Mariachis to play at my husband's 30th birthday party, which will take place in our back yard. The band plays for 45 minutes to an hour and is made up of 8 people, so it's going to get loud. How do I tell my neighbors who haven't been invited? If I schedule the band for 8 p.m. on Sunday, will it be too late?

The Party Doctor says:

Sorry, Ileana. If you are going to have a loud band in your neighborhood - and don't want the police as unexpected guests - I suggest you include neighbors within close range, at least part of the evening. Sunday night is an early night for many folks so, at a minimum, if they are going to play from 8 to 9 p.m., why not invite the neighbors just for that as a safeguard for yourself. Good luck.

joanna asked:

Occasion: 30th Birthday
I would like to throw a 30th birthday party for my husband, but there is one problem. I would like to invite "friends only" without offending family. We both have a large family, and I don't want to have a party of 200+ people. Please help!!

The Party Doctor says:

While this is tricky, you need to take a position that says 'friends only,' and keep it this way. The trick is to keep your word and not begin to relent, inviting first one family member and then another - hoping it won't get out of hand, because it will. If parents or other close family make an inquiry, you can always indicate that a dutch treat dinner is always a possibility. The people who are typically the hex on a "friends only" event are often brothers and sisters who feel like they are friends, too. All you can do is tell them the dilemma, hope they understand, and go forward. However, if you come to recognize that anything you do will be a problem, ask a friend to hold the party at their house and just pay for it.

Brandi McCoy asked:

Occasion: My Boyfriend's 18th Birthday
We are planning on throwing him a surprise B-day party. He has tons of friends and we have nowhere to put them all. With him (and all of friends) going off to college, it needs to be something that he will really enjoy, and not think is dorky. We thought about having a luau. Please help...ASAP!

The Party Doctor says:

How about an old-fashioned beach party! Even creating a "beach" in someone's back yard. A barbeque with beach party music, and even old beach party flicks, would be fun to run on the VCR. It would be a great send-off at summer's end.

Kim asked:

Occasion: Surprise Party For My Boyfriend!
I'm planning a surprise brunch and bowling party for my boyfriend's birthday. Here is my issue. Several of his friends have said I should not pay for it myself. However, I feel awkward about approaching our friends for money (either invitation or verbal). I don't mind paying for it myself, but I don't want to appear pretentious, either. Help. I don't know what to do.

The Party Doctor says:

I don't know what is going through your friends' minds, but paying for the party yourself is entirely appropriate. Asking that you have a free ride is not. Your intuition is on target. Stick to your sense of right and wrong. You got it right!

Stacy asked:

Occasion: In-law's 35th Wedding Anniversary
We are planning to have a 35th anniversary party for my in-laws, but the problem is that my father-in-law had a stroke in May and has not been the same. With his speech being the main problem, we're not sure if it would be best to do a party with friends and family or to just send them to a spa for a few days. What do you think?

The Party Doctor says:

One of the major issues in aging is accepting the limitations of a somewhat weakened self, while not becoming reclusive and losing a zest for life. Unless your father-in-law would be psychologically troubled by others seeing him, I heartily recommend having friends and family help celebrate.

Hallie asked:

Occasion: Our 3-year-old's Birthday
My husband's parents are divorced. How can we make everyone feel comfortable at my son's party?

The Party Doctor says:

Greet them lovingly. Seat them near people they know and enjoy, but not in close proximity. Offer them each a part to play, a toast, past remembrances. Plan specific activities, such as a dance between grandma and grandson, or that grandpa and grandson cut the cake together. Thank them each individually for coming and you will know you have done your part in making it a successful gathering.

Julie asked:

Occasion: 50th Anniversary
Would it be tacky or not proper to have a gathering, say dinner at a nice restaurant, and inform invited guests that there would be a cost, or separate checks? We could provide the beer and wine.

The Party Doctor says:

This would not be appropriate at all. Have a pizza or chili party at home, or a pot luck dinner. But if you decide to get together with just a few friends at a restaurant, be sure they know up front who's paying the tab.

Erin asked:

Occasion: Best Friend's 16th Birthday Party
I'm going to host a surprise birthday party for my two best friends who are turning 16, and I have NO idea on how to start with the preparations. I can't take being the butt of everyone's party jokes if the party turns out to be boring. Please help! I don't want to deal with the humiliation if people don't have a good time.

The Party Doctor says:

Music, food, and the right mix of people are what make a party. There's only so much that you can do with a group of deadbeats. So let's assume that the people you're inviting are looking for a fun evening. You'll have snacks for them and some music in the background. Next, think of some icebreakers that have worked in the past at parties you've gone to. If you need some ideas, try this one. Make up a list of your favorite TV characters and paste one on the back of each of your guests. Have them go around the room trying to guess who they are, with a prize for the one who guesses their identity first. Have fun!

Mary asked:

Occasion: Niece's Wedding
My niece is getting married in a few months. Her parents are divorced and her father remarried. He has been estranged from our family, thanks to his second wife, and the wedding will be the first time most of him have seen him in almost a decade. We want to make things pleasant for my niece's sake, but my father says if his brother approaches him he'll walk away. My mother wants to forgive and forget. She wants me to encourage a reconciliation. What should I do to keep both my parents and my niece happy?

The Party Doctor says:

Clearly there are two themes going at the same time. One is that you are going to make this your niece's day and every one is going to do whatever they can to be pleasant. The other is that things have to go a certain way. You can't have it both ways. This is the bride's day. Everyone has to get their own personal agenda out of the way because any family arguments will be forever remembered when the wedding is recounted and are sure to ruin the wedding.

Treating each other as respectful strangers is the minimum standard that must be set if things are going to go well. You cannot control your father or your brother. You can only suggest that the wedding is not the place to show anger from the past. It's clear from your question that family members wish to have control over the actions of others. Making peace with yourself is essential. Your mother is attempting to put you in a no-win situation. Don't accept the challenge. Instead, challenge your parents to act like grownups and recognize that people don't always do what we might wish them to do, and our job is to determine whether we want them in our lives anyhow.

N. Comeau asked:

Occasion: Retirement Party for Dad
My father is retiring. He does not want a party but prefers that the immediate family only do something simple like going out to eat. I respect his wishes, but I would like to make this occasion special. Any ideas? Special restaurants?

The Party Doctor says:

Instead of recommending a special restaurant, how about trying to find someone from each job or department in which he worked to give a toast to him and participate in the dinner. If the list is too long, you can pare it down. That way he and the family can have a rehash of his work history, the funny and serious moments that his career path took.

This historical recital can be recorded and given to him at the end of the evening. This would be a dignified, yet personal touch for his special evening.

Tiffany asked:

Occasion: Sweet 16th Birthday
My sweet 16th birthday party is coming up in August. I have about 150 to 200 people who are supposed to come, yet I don't know what to do! Please help me.

The Party Doctor says:

Time is a fleeting Angel Wings. What you might do is make this a simulated junior prom. Beg, borrow or rent a room. Get a friend to act as disc jockey, get some adult chaperones, decide on some simple food, and let the party begin! Since you are the birthday girl, you should be prom queen and get to choose your king. But if you want to you can choose Miss Congeniality or Most Likely to Succeed, etc. by applause, and then give out some homemade awards. Having someone to lead some of the most popular dances and having a dance contest could add to the fun. Go to it, and fast!!

Bonnie asked:

Occasion: 90th Birthday Party for my Nana
We want to have a party for Nana whose 90th birthday happens to be on or near the same day as my birthday, my brother-in-law, my nieces and my aunt's birthday. I need some clever ideas for her party. She is of sound mind and strong body. (no, a male stripper won't do) Please help.

The Party Doctor says:

Transforming this into a family birthday may be just the answer. You can probably gather an assortment of family pictures taken through the years that will allow everyone to be spotlighted on videotape and allow for laughs and sentiment. The master tape goes to Nana, and copies are relatively inexpensive.

Family members celebrating their own birthdays can give a toast to Nana which can include fond memories they have of her, including some wisdom she passed on to them. Perhaps you could incorporate that wisdom into a book that can be given to family members, too. Nana might like to share what the family has meant to her. I would suggest that someone help her write it and put it on cards or read it with her if she has some trouble reading. The theme might well be, On To The Century Mark, which is certainly appropriate this year of the millennium. You might even show baby pictures of all the folks celebrating their birthdays and give a prize for the person who gets them all correct.

Sounds like you are going to have a wonderful opportunity to count your blessings. Have fun!

Janey asked:

Occasion: Parent's 50th Anniversary
Hello. My brother, sister and I are planning my parents 50th wedding anniversary and I feel we should split the party three ways. However, my sister (who will be doing most of the work because she lives in the same city as my parents) does not feel she should pay since she is organizing the event. This issue has become a major discussion, and I am afraid it will interfere with the celebration. Should my brother and I pay for the party?

The Party Doctor says:

It is always interesting that family celebrations are frequently the occasion of the resurfacing of old family issues. Perhaps you can take a look back and see where you and your brother have been accused of not doing your fair share in the past. Clearly that is what is being suggested here. And it may be accurate. Your sister has taken the position that she has made a formidable contribution to this party by her sweat equity and that her siblings have totally discounted that by asking for an even distribution of costs among all three of you. Your sister has a point. In addition to the work of getting the party organized, she probably feels the burden of responsibility of how it turns out. After all, if things are not as you and your brother visualize them, she will be held accountable.

Everyone wants to feel appreciated. There may very well be old problems that are causing her sensitivity, or she may feel genuinely exploited by both of you.

Give her a significant discount for her work as a party planner. After all, if you hired one, it would just be another party cost.

Karen asked:

Occasion: Bar Mitzvah
My husband and I are arguing constantly over my son's upcoming Bar Mitzvah and the money it will cost. I am at a loss of what to do. He put together a budget that is well below what is possible. It is very upsetting to my son to see us fighting but I can't seem to get anywhere with my husband. Suggestions?

The Party Doctor says:

You pose your question in a way that suggests that your husband has the decision making power about how money is spent, without any consideration of your desires. If that is correct, the argument is going to create heat without light. Having input on how family money is spent and agreeing upon a reasonable budget are requirements of any healthy couple. Once that is realized you need to stop arguing and start working on this party from a business point of view.

Think about the essentials you must include like: the number of people, cost of the room, dinner, decorations, music, etc. Each of you should make your own list of what you want and what you think it will cost. After comparing lists, you can begin to cut or add according to some negotiations.

Right now you and your husband are in a power play. For everyone’s sake put your egos aside and concentrate on the fact that this an evening dedicated to your son. It’s a celebration of the beginning of adulthood. Yours is supposed to have already occurred.

Sue asked:

Occasion: Wedding
I am in the midst of planning my wedding and cannot seem to please my fiancé's mother. She continues to tell me what to do and how to do it. This is causing a great deal of stress on both my fiancée and myself. I don't want to start out on the wrong foot with her...

The Party Doctor says:

I appreciate that you do not want to start out on the wrong foot with your husband’s mother. However, you do not also want to begin a lifelong resentment toward your mother-in-law by allowing her to control areas of your life that are rightly yours to decide. It is important to determine what input you would like from her and where the boundaries lie. Once you and your fiancé determine this, it is his place, to have a talk with his mom to tell her that an important part of growing up is to make your own decisions… even if they include mistakes. Your fiancé’s ability to take the “bully” by the horns means that he is directly involved and willing to confront his family issue instead of permitting you to be the fail gal. Straight talk now, will alleviate much misunderstanding later.